Third time's a charm...Right? Please?

And for the next chapter of our story..

We struggled, greatly, during the months following my husband's betrayal. The porn hurt, but the encounter with Jezebel was even more devastating. We were beginning to move beyond fantasy into the realm of the real. This was the next step in his addiction. His addiction was escalating. Thank God I found the emails. I truely am very thankful for that. It was a blessing. Who knows what could have happened. Cyber sex maybe? Phone calls? There was once a time that Amos also said he didn't know where it would have lead and may have lead to those things. If you ask him now he'll tell you he would never be capable of that. My husband is a very proud man and, like anybody, doesn't like to admit his shortcomings. Especially within our marriage.

During the first couple of  months following my finding his emails, he was very apologetic. He met with our Pastor once per month over fast food and talked about his addiction and that was supposed to be his treatment. I look back on that now and know that this is just... laughable. Did he only struggle with his addiction once a month? Of course not.  We also did study guides aimed towards christian men with porn addictions. When we finished one, we brought out another one. We did this through three or four books. I blame myself as well as him for letting that fall by the wayside. We should have bought a fifth.  And a sixth. I do believe that those books and the constant study and thought was helping him. 

Eventually Amos began to resent me. He resented my constant need to hear him say he's sorry. Fights happened. Many many fights happened. I was dumbfounded that in the midst of all of this he actually had the nerve to be mad at me ?! Was I not the victim here? Was I not the obedient and dutiful wife who stuck by her husband even though she wanted to run? Running would have been hard. Very hard. But staying was even harder. And he dares to get mad at me for asking him questions about his betrayals? That absolutely infuriated me. I wanted him to grovel. I wanted him to come to me every day for the rest of my life and tell me he's sorry for what he turned me into. Yes. I blamed him for the sobbing mess I had become.  I remember these feelings well. Indeed, I have a journal with many pages of these feelings written out in an anger and sadness so fierce that the pages are sometimes ripped and the ink smeared with my tears.  Although I remember these feelings and the rage with clarity, I find I cannot remember how we moved past them. Perhaps we buried them. How we managed to move on I don't know , but we did eventually move on. We became sexually intimate once more, and although I was still not confident in my body, I shyly showed him what I had to offer. As mundane as it may be.

Two years later. Have you noticed the trend? Every two years...

In the fall of 2009 we planned to have another baby. It had been a year since porn or emotional infidelity had been an issue in our marriage. Amos had long since ceased going to his "counseling" sessions with Pastor and we felt confident in our marriage. In January of 2010 we announced the pregnancy of our second child. What we would later learn to be a little boy...whom you may call Peter.  During the summer of 2010, around July or so and in my last trimester, my little Ruth made a mess.

Ruth had got hold of my wallet and proceeded to dump the contents... everywhere. During the process of cleaning up this mess I found a card in my walled. It said only this " http://www.x3watch.com/ ." After studying it a moment I remembered what it was. It was a link that Pastor had given us to download some accountability software. Amos had told me long ago that I was welcome to install the software and had his blessings to do so. And so I did. And once again, you know where this story is headed don't you?

I looked at my first report in late August. On a Friday I believe. I was scheduled to have an induction 5 days later. I saw the report and my heart raced. My stomach tied its self into knots. My hands began to shake. No matter what, I wanted to KNOW. I opened the report and there I had it. A whole two week's worth of porn sites as well as the time stamp to let me know when they had been viewed.

I saw red. My world spun. I wanted to scream, cry, and retch all at the same time. Amos was mowing the lawn. I stood up and walked outside shaking with heartbreak and rage. I yelled at Amos above the roar of the mower... "Amos! Have you looked at porn?" He just looked at me, unable to hear. I  knocked it up a punch "Have you looked at porn?"  Again, he only stared. So I screamed it. "HAVE YOU LOOKED AT PORN!" Keep in mind that I'm standing on our front porch. I never saw any neighbors peek out at us but I'd not be surprised if our "secret" is not so secret. I think he heard me then. He flipped off the mower and walked up to me.

"What did you say?"
"Have you looked at porn?"
"What?" he scoffed. "No! Why would you ask that?"
At this point he tried to side step me and make his way to the computer. It's hard to side step a pregnant woman.
"No. You don't get to look at the proof before you decide if it's enough to make you confess. Have. You. Looked. At. Porn?"
"Yes. But it's been a really long time!"
I'm pretty sure I called him a name at this point. I remember going inside and pulling up the report and showing him. I also showed him the time stamp. From the week prior. For days straight. He had been getting up in the mornings, logging on to the computer and browsing the porn sites while his pregnant wife and child slept upstairs. Then he'd get up, go to the bathroom, finish his dirty business and go about his day. I later learned he had picked this habit only months after I caught him two years prior.

I was as close as I could possibly be to hating the man at this point. My baby boy was due in 5 days. I felt robbed. The decision to stay or go had been cruelly taken from me. With my baby due, I had no choice but to stay. Travelling the 1500 miles to get home was not an option. I was stranded. I was alone. I was livid. I was devastated.

This was three months ago. Three short months. I am still raw from the pain and anger of it all. I am not who God created me to be. I am not merciful. I am not humble. I am not forgiving, although I swear before God that I have tried.

My husband has not seen me nude since that night. We have been intimate. He claims to not have masturbated. I don't believe him of course. I have changed the passwords on the computer. I left town to visit my family and to introduce my son to them. My husband's brother disconnected web browser access while I was away. We have reestablished intimacy. On good days. We do still have good days. We also still have bad days.

These are the things I now know...

I have been married for 6+ years. Amos has been looking at porn for 6+ years. There were two very short 3 or 4 month stints that he remained pure.

By his own confession, he only thinks of me about 50% of the time we have sex. My children only have a 1 in 2 chance of having been conceived during sexually pure intercourse. I grieve the loss of this daily. This has hurt me almost more than I can bear.

He masturbates regularly, even though he has promised not to in an attempt to keep from lusting after other women. I once caught him masturbating in bed beside me as I slept.

Had the porn DVD's cost more than 20 bucks, my husband wouldn't have "wasted" the money on them (again, by his own admission). I am left only to believe that his love of money ( and make no mistake, he DOES love money) means more than his love of wife. If the cost of porn can keep him in line when his own wife fails... I am at a loss.

This is an addiction.  It is not the desire of his heart to look at porn, it is the desire of his flesh. I have to tell myself  this daily to keep from going  insane with the pain and rejection of it all.

He can't be fixed.  I cannot fix him. He must choose to fix himself.

Even if I were a runway model, he would still have the desire to seek solace in porn or the arms of another woman. I tell myself this as well. This does no good. I have felt and writhe in the rejection of his betrayal daily. No matter how I measure myself, I don't measure up. This is something that must be fixed in me.

I have the strength and the ability to leave him if I must. I hope I don't have to.

He has a desire to change. Thank God.

I still love him.

You're all caught up. From here on out you will hear about the ups and downs that are currently happening in our lives. When all is said and done, and the final chapter is written, I hope to have a beautiful story of a marriage restored in God.

We'll see.