Carla Sue mentioned recently that she was curious about Amos's childhood. So I'm going to take it a step further. I'm going to tell you about both of us. This is for her.
Amos:
Amos is 34 years old. He has been a Christian since childhood. He was brought up in the church. He wasn't interested in girls. Not for a long long time. He had basically sworn himself to be a lifelong bachelor. I'm not exactly sure when that changed, but it obviously did.
When he was young (around eight) he happened upon a stash of porn at a friend's house. It belonged to the father of his friend. He looked a few minutes a moved on. Later he found a stash of porn out in field. He and a friend would go look at it occasionally but then one day it disappeared and that was that. He was about thirteen at the time. The first time he masturbated, he was fifteen and porn was not involved. He didn't know what he was doing and it eventually turned into a habit and somewhere down the road it became an addiction.
I want to take a quick break from the story to say this...
Parents, TALK to your kids about sex! Please! They should at least have the opportunity to make an informed decision regarding what they are doing with their bodies. Back to the story...
His family took in a Russian refugee. This refugee regularly had a magazine sent to their home that advertised a sex hotline. It was a 1-800 number so Amos, like many other children, thought that this meant it was free. He called the number and promptly stopped calling that number once the phone bill came. He went back to just looking at the porn after that. He felt guilty. He knew it was wrong. He didn't really want to do it, not in his heart, but he did it anyway. And he struggles with it to this day.
No, he was not abused. No, he was not neglected. No, he was not traumatized. He was just a kid who had to struggle through puberty like every other kid and through a series of unwise decisions, he ended up here.
Esther:
I am 28 years old. I was raised a Christian. I vividly remember the moment I gave my heart to God. I was eight years old when I had my first meeting with Him. I desperately wanted to serve Him. There's some psycho-babble out there stating that women who marry broken men marry them because their fathers were broken. Let me say first off that my father was/is wonderful. There was no abuse, physical, emotional, or otherwise. There was no porn stashes. My dad is a great guy. Let's get that out of the way.
Yes, I was sexually abused. By my step-niece. She was four or five years older than I was. She liked to play "house" and she did it for years. I can't remember the first time. Maybe I was five or so. She was still young too. I don't know where she learned it. It was bad. It was real bad. Eventually I got older and it stopped. I never told anyone. What was I supposed to say? It's not like an adult was touching me in my private areas. I had been warned about male adults, but never about female children. So I never told. But she did it to some other members of the family as well and over time the cat was let out of the bag. After I had gone off to college. My step-niece is now a lesbian drug addict living on welfare and spending random stints of time in and out of jail. I don't talk to her anymore. No, I'm not suffering from PTSD. No I'm not ashamed. No I don't blame myself. No I don't have any suppressed emotions. I'm not damaged and I don't consider myself a "victim" I consider myself a survivor. Now that we've got that out of the way...
Aside from this, my childhood could have been ripped straight from Leave it to Beaver. So what does that tell us? Why did I waste my time telling you all this if we have such normal lives? To warn you. This tells us that it could happen to ANYONE. We are not special or different. We are just... us. Prepare you kids. Teach them about their bodies. Don't let them hear about it from friends. When you tell your kids about appropriate and inappropriate touching, be aware that it is not a male/female thing. Not even an adult/child thing. It could be anywhere and anyone. Be diligent.
Esther, I think your points are very legit. The lack of knowledge can lead to addiction just as easily as abuse. Similarly, access can be just as harmful as neglect. There are thousands upon thousands of stories of kids in upper class homes with caring and loving parents who struggle with drug problems for those very same reasons.
ReplyDeleteWhat caused Amos to basically declare himself a lifelong bachelor? Was it any connection to the porn? (Let me just forward that I have a B.A. in psych, so this is just how my brain works. Sorry!)
I'm sorry about the sexual abuse. I got it too. Nothing horrible, more like curious touching by a stepbrother. Weird thing is, he is now gay. And I totally understand what you're saying about not really having it affect you. And in all honesty, aside from trust issues with Amos, I think your views on sex (from what I've read) are straight on.
My questions stemmed from knowing how dysfunctional my husband and I both are, not insinuating that you and Amos are ridden with issues. *hugs* Sorry if I made it sound that way.
I hope that your "leave it to beaver" pasts are what has kept Amos from taking the next step from porn affair to physical affair with another woman. And I pray that your pasts are also what enables you both to rise up and overcome. :)
Amos was/is terrified of women. At first he just thought they were stupid. He wanted trucks and planes and dirt. Then when he finally started paying attention to them he lacked the social skills necessary to make any sort of confident move. He also had high standards. Must be Christian. Must be virgin. Must not wear makeup. Must not use hair dye. Even I only fulfilled the first two. I guess he got tired of waiting for a girl who didn't use hair dye or make up. I don't think the porn directly caused him to declare himself a bachelor but it did make it easier. It fed the fire so to speak. He didn't have to have any social interaction with porn and porn will never turn him down. I've learned over the course of our studies that this is a huge draw for many men. The ability to confidently obtain pleasure without hearing "no". It's easy.
ReplyDeleteI didn't take offense at all by your question. I'll always answer an honest question honestly. I'm not a fan of trolls, but fortunatly I havent seen any here.
I think that his upbringing absolutly has helped him keep his addiction as controlled as he has. He was raised in a very functional home (his parents are still together) with a good moral foundation. He knows whats right and wrong. I also am glad that we're trying to get this under control now. Without getting a handle on it, theres nowhere to go but down.
have you found any resources to help families discuss sex with their children? Caleb is 4 and Hannah is 2. We started in with talking about the inappropriate touching stuff....Caleb even tells me when Hannah looks at him when he's going potty.
ReplyDeleteI am however dreading the future and the information that we will have to give them. I have a feeling it will be much sooner than I would like. when I taught 2nd grade, my students were already sharing inappropraite stories, pictures, and some were even kissing by then....
just curious if you have found any good resources for guidance on the topic.
Jill,
ReplyDeleteTry this one out:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/sexuality/talking_about_sex.aspx
The only thing I would add to this article is where is says we practice modesty because BOYS and GIRLS are different. I would change that to "we practice modesty because PEOPLE are different." Given my past I think it's important to press the fact that no one, regardless of age or gender, has the right to touch you in uncomfortable ways. I would also add that it's important to tell kids that not everyone is a "good guy." I think every home should have a code word and it should be established young. If Caleb hears the word "candle wax" (or whatever code word you adopt) then he knows he's with someone that mommy and daddy think are safe.
I dread this talk as well. Ruth and Peter are both too young yet but it will feel like the loss of some of their innocence when I am forced to have it with them.
Have you ever thought that maybe your husband enjoys porn because he feels like he has some power over the women in the films/pictures?
ReplyDeleteWhen my husband felt like things were getting too out of control with his life (job loss, moving, baby, new job, new wife, etc) he turned to porn because it was an area that he could control. He felt like he had some power in those situations, no one to judge him (for the moment) and no failure (for the moment). It was one of the big issues we had to over come.
Just something to think about.
Oh, okay and two books you guys should look into:
ReplyDeleteThe Five Love Languages
the Love Dare (and watch the movie 'Fireproof' if you haven't already)
Sorry if all this "advice" from me is annoying you, I really, really want to see you guys and your marriage succeed!
We have been talking to our 3 year old about what is appropriate and what isn't. He'll say things like "Don't touch Neo's butt" (Neo is our dog) and we'll say "that's right. We don't touch Neo's bum" and he's catching on but it has to be a constant thing. You can't just say it once and expect it to stick.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing is they need to know that it's NOT ok for anyone to touch their privates unless their diaper/pull up are being changed and even then, there are limits to that. We tell him everything we are doing (Ok I'm going to wipe your bum and your pee pee and we'll get a clean pull up on) so he knows what is normal and what isn't so IF something happened, he can tell us. Does that make sense?
Also, I was molested by my father as a child. He wasn't really a part of my life but when he did come around he was a predator. He molested and raped my step sisters for years. I can only recall 1 instance but I blocked everything once his hand moved to my thighs. I was 9.
I knew touching was bad. I'd been warned by my mom and step dad, but the discussions were always centered around strangers. My real father wasn't really a stranger so I never connected the two until just a few years ago. Right after I had Dade I was going through serious PPD and was suicidal.
One night during a very manic episode I blurted it out to my husband then I collapsed on my bed, like I'd been holding my breath for 13 years. I didn't even know I was keeping a secret until it came out.
Sorry to get off topic...but I agree with everything you said. It's important for parents to protect and inform their children as much as possible, and starting at an early age.
Peach: Amos has said that it's a stress reliever. He doesn't think that it's a concious effort to control but admits that maybe it's in the subconcious. And no I'm not annoyed :)
ReplyDeleteNikki: I'm sorry about your father. Everyone responds differently to situations of that sort and I'm sorry it was so difficult for you for so long. I'm also glad you were able to find freedom in confessing your "secret" to your husband. God bless!