Pulling Out

Get your mind out of the gutter. Not that kind of pulling out. I mean from blogging. I've been having conversations with Amos recently about this blog. I can't figure out if it hurts or helps. It's almost like picking a scab... I feel like I'm on the way to healing and then I just gush out some more. So I was trying to ease off into la-la land. I felt like we were headed in the right direction. He had been leaving me a note occasionally and once left me a "coupon" for a backrub last month. That's effort. We're still not there, by a long shot, but it's effort. So before I start this post I want to make sure he gets credit for that... he's trying.

Then Friday Happened. 
On Friday I had an eye appointment. I needed him to be home to take the kids so I asked him to be home by four o'clock. He agreed. My eye appointment was at 5, but I didn't tell him this. In the past he's been late almost every time I've asked him to come home at a certain time. This way I figured he didn't know he had any wiggle room so he'd come home and I'd be able to make my appointment on time. As expected, he was fifteen minutes late. I wasn't going to mention a word. But then, at dinner, he offers up this informtion: he was late because he stayed late at work to talk to his boss about guns. It wasn't a last minute work assignment as I had assumed. He stayed late just to chit chat. In this instance it didn't matter because we had some wiggle room, but he didn't know that.  I told him, calmly and even politely, that it makes me feel like a low priority when he is late for reasons like that. If I were just asking him to come home so I can go shopping for new shoes, that's one thing.... but I didn't like it when I had a doctor's appointment that could for all he knew he could have made me miss. I seriously spent about 3 minutes on this. I wasn't ugly or rude or catty. I really wasn't. But to hear him tell it you'd think I'd gone off the deep end. He later described it as "yelling" at him and telling him he was a "terrible person". 

I went to my appointment and everything was fine. At about 6 pm he told me he was going out. Then he did. At this time I assumed he had his phone with him so I wasn't worried. He had left the house to cool off before. Usually it lasts for a couple of hours. When eight came around I started getting a little worried. When ten came around I was in an all out panic. I knew he wouldn't like me calling him but I was really worried so I texted to find out where he was. He had (intentionally) left his cell phone at home. I text my sister in law to see if they had seen them, and they hadn't. At this point I'm really worried. We're a "bed by ten" kinda family and he had never been out more than two hours... Before all was said and done I had called the ER's of about ten hospitals and called the dispatchers of two different police stations.

Finally (about eleven) I heard the garage door open. I was so scared I was shaking. He walked in and I told him never to do that to me again. He said "I'll do my best."  At this point I was crying and beyond reliefe that he was alive. He was obviously still mad. I decided I'd broach this conversation again when we were calm. I did that today. And you get to read the outcome. Lucky you.

ME: I have to say something
now that everything is calm
are you there?
HIM: yes
ME: Okay.
the other night when you left and were gone for so long. I was REALLY scared. REALLY scared.
When I asked you to never do that again you said "I'll do my best"
That's not good enough
That's not okay
It was done from spite and frusteration
If you forget your phone, PLEASE stop and let me know you're okay
at a payphone or something
if I don't hear from you for five hours like that and it's that late at night, I'm going to assume you're hurt
and I'm going to be scared
I felt like when you came home and saw me crying that this was the reaction you were shooting for
am I wrong?
HIM: This is a dangerous conversation to have. Let's just move past it and remain in peace a calm.
ME: Can you please just tell me you won't do that again? It's totally fine to dissappear and take some Amos time, but you're a father and a husband. You need to let us know you're okay
can you do that?
HIM: No. I can't. There are times when I will leave my cell phone and be out of touch. I will either tell you that I'm leaving, or leave a note, or have my cell phone. I am a father and a husband...and once in a blue moon its good for me to go. This time I was the most disconnected (ie wireless) and I can't tell you how much I enjoyed it. I just listened to my music and I felt...great.
I told you I was leaving this time.
ME:Yeah but you didn't tell me you'd be out all night
that scared me
can you NOT understand that?
For such a wonderful time that you had, I was falling apart
HIM: I didn't mean to scare you. That was never my intent.
ME: All I'm asking is for you to pull over and find a payphone and call me. Just say "Hey Esther I'm still out. I might be out for a while longer I just wanted you to know that I am okay"
that's all Im asking for
Or take your phone
and turn it off
What if I needed you?
Can you just check in every few hours? I'm not asking you to come home earlier, just tell me you're okay
HIM: No. What's the point of getting away and disconnecting if I have to check it every few hours? The point is to get away and disconnect. I wanted to be out until 3 am. Or later.
ME: That's not okay Amos you are a husband
you are MY husband
you are a father
when you said those vows you became accountable to someone
you hurt me
if you do it again
you'll hurt me again
don't do it
HIM: If this was a regular occurence...I'd totally agree with you. This is the first time I've desired to disconnect...for a brief window of time.
ME: So?
that makes it okay to scare the crap out of me?
you have NO IDEA what I went though
do you know how many hospitals I called?
two police stations and about 10 hospitals
and I had to tell every single one of them that I didn't know where my husband was
HIM: You don't think that was an overreaction on your part?
ME: No. I don't
I went to the grocery store one night and left my phone. I had been gone about two hours
and when I got home you said you had been worriede about me
HIM: how many hospitals and police stations did I call?
ME: none. But that's my point
that was TWO hours
what would you have done if it had been five
and I had stormed out
and we had just fought
HIM: You were not worried about me until after 10:00...less than an hour later you called hospitals.
ME: Bull crap
I was worried long before then
I just couldn't take it anymore after 10
just because I didn't start making calls till ten doesnt mean I wasn't worried
Wether you like it or not, you are accountable to me and I am accountable to you.
HIM: your text to B (B is my sister-in-law. He read my texts. I don't know why) didn't sound worried.
ME: So???
HIM: which is why I told you I was leaving.
ME: Do you think I'm lieing?
HIM: I think you went from 0 to 60 too quickly.
ME: It doesn't matter. The point is that I was scared and I am asking you as your wife to please just check in every few hours
Please
why are you fighing me on this?
I was so scared
please don't do that
HIM: I wish I was a fighter..I wish I had the ability to scream and yell and throw things. My only option is to just say, "yes dear..yes dear." You win every "argument" we have....you're always right. I can't promise I'm going to call every few hours if I leave the house. I might get angry or need to blow off steam or whatever you want to call it. I will make sure you know before I leave. I may or may not take my cell phone. I opted to not this time...I don't regret that decision....in fact I liked it so much I may do it again if the need arises..which I don't expect anytime soon...as long as we don't fight and I'm not accused of being a terrible person..which I realize is not words you said..I'm just saying..that's the flavor of all this...how terrible I am.
well..I'm terrible
I'm a terrible husband and father...because I wanted to be alone for..maybe 5 hours? During which time the most exciting thing I did was go to Taco Bell.
and I told you before hand that I was leaving...
I was late coming home by 15 minutes on Friday...I didn't like getting in trouble for that...at all. And my insides exploded and I left. if 6 hours is so much time that you call hospitals...remember this the next time I wake up early on Friday to get home for your appt and then come home 15 minutes later than expected...when the appt was an hour later...
and if I was late...you could have take the kids...
death was not on the line
you were there for...15 minutes?
not ideal I know..
and I try hard to make everything ideal
really hard
and there's pressure
and I never show it
but I think sometimes there's going to be evenings where I vanish and breathe and relax on my own terms
not saying this is the new normal or anything like that
so .....no...I will not call you every three hours when I do become angry over getting yelled at for being 45 minutes early instead of 60 minutes early
I almost for sure will not take my phone with me ever again if this happens...which again..I don't expect...this is not the new normal
ME: Okay I did NOT yell at you
I didn't raise my voice
I talked for 3 whole minutes about how it made me feel
that was IT
and I wasn't going to bring it up unless you did
and you over reacted
badly
HIM: well then all is even
ME: you hear things that I don't say
so if you feel like a terrible person
then that's all on you
because i do NOT treat you like one
if I can't tell you calmly and quickly how a situation made me feel then what kind of a relationship do we have
what happened to that communication skills you are so cocky about
we no longer have them if all you ever hear are things that i NEVER said
never even insuinated
and I mean it
if you don't give me a time frame to expect you
or at least call in and tell me you're alive
i'll think you're hurt
and if you saunter in and watch me cry and don't care at all
I'm going to take it badly
this first time is an accident
you didn't know the effect it would have on me
but the next time will be deliberate
if it is more important to you that you don't call me
and get to spend more time to yourself
KNOWING that I'm at home scared
then yes you are a jerk
and next time
it will be deliberate
and it will not go so smoothly
leaving me and not giving me any hint that you are okay
or what time to expect you back
is NOT acceptable
I gave alot for you
to be with you
and the least you can do is pick up an effing phone!
E did this to B one time (E is Amos' brother and B is his brother's wife) ONE TIME
and you know what he told her?
When he saw her crying and having a panic attack he told her he'd never put her though that agin
So NO
I'm not over reacting
and wanting my feelings and fears to be important to you is NOT unreasonable
and if you still refuse to pick up a phone every few frickin hours for a 20 second conversation then yes dear, you're an ass.

Ta-dah. The Esther and Amos saga. We cancelled our marriage counseling. Maybe that was a mistake. I just don't know how to communicate with him any more. I don't know how to tell him what I'm feeling without him putting words into my mouth. He's awful about that. He hears what he wants to hear. He draws hard lines without taking my feelings into account. What do I do with that? I'm sure I'm not perfect but I don't blow his feelings off the way he does with me. Sometimes I think about how much easier life would be if I could just go home. I'm so emotionally drained right now.

On the bright side I'm down to 204.... Yay(?)

My Walk Of Shame...

...is almost over.  It's so close I can taste it. Any plus size woman knows what I'm talking about.

Here's the scene. You're in the market for some new duds so you go to your favorite clothing store. As you stroll up the side walk, the store front comes into view. You see people wonder in and out of the doors with their arms full of  shopping bags and your heartbeat speeds up. You're excited.  You've been saving your money for weeks because you need new clothes.  And now you get them. This is gonna be awesome. You approach the store front windows and there in front of you is the cutest little pant/top combo you've ever seen and already you're deducting the cost of that outfit from your budget. A smile tugs your mouth and you stride confidently into the store fully expecting to walk out feeling like a super star. 

Then you walk in.  Everything is different when you walk in. There is a visible line inside that store. You got the itty bitties in the front of the store and the fluffy girls are set up in the back. And thus the walk of shame begins. You have to walk through the itty bitty section to get to your section. You feel all the eyes shift in your direction. You are weighed and measured. Everyone in that store notes that you are not thin enough to shop on their side of the store. To dare to browse around in the itty bitty section feels almost like your trespassing. You wonder to yourself what they think of you looking at their clothes and their styles and you slink back to your corner of the store.

Mind games. It's all mind games. Of course there is no enemy lines inside that store, but when you're a big girl you imagine they are. It takes a certain degree of strength to even shop for clothing in public when you're a larger girl. It would be much easier to hide behind the computer monitor and order your clothing online, sight unseen. But I refuse to be beaten so I suck it up and I take my walk of shame.

But not for much longer. Sunday  I purchased my first pair of size fourteen pants in nearly four years. In my particular store of choice (Maurices) the plus size clothing is from sizes 24 (incidently that was my size six months ago) to size 14. My size now. One more size down puts me at a 12 and THAT puts me in the front section of the store.

Yes. My walk of shame is almost over.