I'm taking another break in the story to do something that is, to me, a huge step.
Amos says I have trouble forgiving him. I say he makes forgiveness difficult when he lies constantly. He says I hold on to things and dwell on them. I say I like to sort out the mess once and for all, which means exploring every last minute detail until I am convinced I understand it.
Of course, I'm not being entirely accurate there. Although that is true, I do have a problem letting go. I don't know why. He says he wants to go forward and not think about the past. I don't have that choice. It's almost as though I think if I have to live with it, then so does he. It haunts me. It's like the big invisible elephant in the room and I'm the only one who can see it. It's with me all the time. Every time I dare to take a bite of food. Every time I pass a mirror. Every time I pass a woman in the mall who seems to think wearing a piece of yarn for a shirt is appropriate. Every time I see my husband look twice at another woman. Every time I turn on the computer. Every time I look at my kids and wonder "Was he thinking of me when we concieved you?". Every time I go to sleep and wake up angry, scared, and destroyed because I've dreampt of catching him with porn or because I've heard his past hurtful words echoed in my dreams. Every time I change the password on the computer so he won't be able to access it alone. I can't escape it. I have no control over this. I've tried. I've tried to ignore it. I've tried to beat it to death. I've tried to forget. I'm currently just co-existing with the past. No quite holding tight to it, but not quite letting go either.
Thus the inspiration for today's post. There is something I can do. In my email I have a folder. In that folder I have every email that Amos ever sent to Jezebel. Every email that she ever sent to him. Every email we sent back and forth to each other during the aftermath of his betrayals. I even have the emails he sent to the eBay seller regarding the porn DVDs he purchased during my trip home. I have it all. I have kept every evil shred I found.
I do have control over that folder. I do have the ability to let go of at least that much.
Today I deleted that folder.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Strike 2
I apologize for the detour in my last post. Hopefully we can get back on track today...
Life was rocky after I discovered Amos's dirty little secret. I felt ugly and naive and more than a little unloved. Slowly, very very slowly, Amos and I began to rebuild that trust. We rarely talked about porn and the aftermath of that first encounter with it. I would occasionally ask him if he had looked at it. The answer was always no and we then changed topics and moved on with our day.
Two years rolled by. Two years of rebuilding our lives on our new foundation. Trust has been restored and my self confidence, although no where near what it had been, was not in completely lost to me.
Finally, after four years of marriage and one miscarriage, we gave birth to our first baby in Spring of 2008. A girl. You may call her Ruth. At four weeks old I bundled up baby Ruth and hopped a plane to introduce her to my family. Amos stayed home. We had a new baby and a new 3000 square foot home. Someone had to pay the bills. I visited my family for about two blissful weeks. Every night I would talk to Amos. He was often busy and we were unable to talk as often as I liked but I wasn't worried. Before I chose to leave home and visit my family for such a long time, I asked Amos how he felt about it. He assured me that it was okay. I asked him if he thought he could handle being apart that long without looking at porn. He promised me that this would not be a problem. You see where this story is headed don't you?
After I came back home from my trip, life settled back to normal. As normal as it can be with a new baby. I soon became bored during the days and decided to order some books to occupy me. I logged onto eBay and picked some out. Amos was aware I was doing it since I was using his account and was fine with it. His only request was that I wouldn't leave feedback. I thought this was an odd request but I assumed it was because he was a former eBay employee and was very particular.
I chose a handful of books over the course of a few days and thought all was well. I was wrong. Amos came home from work early one day. Around 10 am or so. He told me to get ready and get baby Ruth ready. He wanted to take me out to lunch. This was EXTREMELY odd. My husband is not a romantic. A fact I mourn regularly, but it's true. I thought it was a wonderful surprise indeed! I prepared myself and baby for our outing and off we went.
On the way to the restaurant we dropped off the baby with Grandma and Grandpa (an even bigger surprise!) and we proceeded to go have a nice lunch. After lunch we went back to the house (without baby) and he made his confession. He had been looking at porn. In fact, he read it to me from a letter he had written that morning at work. It said this:
Esther,
I would much rather tell you all this in person, but I am at work and this is on my mind so I'm going to type it here. It's going to be babble, but I hope you will understand.
Please know that you are the most important thing in my life, even when I fail and it appears otherwise. I value you above anything else. I try not to do anything that would bring joy solely to me. Instead I am to do the things that will make you happy.
I fell Esther. Only one time since this issue last came up. I'm sorry. I violated your trust...Again. I tried to hide it from you, I even lied to you about it when you directly asked. I do not want this to be a habit. I only fell once. I am not perfect. I've been doing really good. I justified it in my mind. I have felt guilty, and even worse than that, I am not confessing from the goodness of my own heart. I am confessing because you are about to discover my failing.
It happened when you left for home with Ruth. When I found out how quickly you were leaving, and how I knew we would be checking Internet history together, I knew that the temptation would be too great. At that moment, I fell. I bought a DVD on eBay the day before you left. The DVD arrived and I watched it. The computer was not involved. I justified it by saying it would fill a void. It did temporarily.
The DVD was destroyed and thrown away before you got home. I haven't looked back or thought of it since. When I bought it I did so using my UserID on eBay. I thought nothing of it. Now that you are using my screen name to buy your books, you are moments away from finding the record or the eBay transaction in the feedback forum.
I don't know if I regret my fall more or if I regret the fact that I probably would not have said anything if you did not use Half.com to buy your books.
When I did it I said to myself, "Amos, you know you will likely get caught, you are stupid for doing this." But I did it anyway. I am sorry. I know you are angry at me. I know you feel I failed you. I know you think I don't love you. I know I have introduced doubt in your mind about my every action since you came home.
Please don't feel that way. I love you honestly and intensely. I just fell, like a child on a bike. I am thinking of you and of Ruth. I am thinking how rotten I am and contrasting that with how good I want to be and how I want you to love me and trust me. I know I let you down...again. How can you trust me?
Please don't leave me. Please. I am completely shaken by this thought. Terrified. Please don't leave me. Please let this be between you and me. Please trust me with Ruth and with my family. I sinned. I am asking for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. Please help me move on. Help me become better. Please don't cry. Please trust me. Hug me with love and trust. I fear you won't be able to trust me. Trust me in that I have no lack of love or attraction for you. My vision for us in the future has not changed. I just fell, just a flat tire on the way.
If you think I should go to come sort of counseling or support group, I will. We will find a way to afford it if you think it would add value. Please let me be a husband and a father. Please love me even though I am not perfect. Please love me. Please comfort me. Please don't leave me. I need you desperately. Nothing can take your place.
We will talk more.
Amos
Aside from name changes to preserve anonymity, the bolded text is precisely as it was written to me.
Pretty convincing eh?
We talked. I cried. Alot. He sounded sincere in his desire to change and I was sincere in my desire to believe him. He promised that everything was open to me. I was free to check the history on the computer, I was free to check his email accounts... anything.
A few weeks later I was doing exactly that. My computer savvy husband had screwed up. He had deleted emails from his inbox and from his "deleted" folder. But he didn't delete them in his "sent" folder.
I came across this email :
Pretty innocent email, yes? No. First I had no idea who Jezebel was. Second, the email he gave her was his work email and an email that I had/have no access to. He had just asked a strange person not to email him at home... Why would he do that?
I dug farther. I found a series of emails starting from the day I came home through the current week. Turns out that this was a 17 year old girl he met via web chat.
There are a whole string of emails, but I'll copy and paste the first one here so you can get the feel for the conversations...
I was furious. I was furious at HIM not at her. But I did email her. I told her that he was a porn addict and married with a new born daughter and she was best off to go her own way. She agreed.
I could go on and on with the things that were said following this revelation, but I'll hit on the things that effected me most.
These following two things have been things that have given me nightmares over the past two years...
I would be more attractive were I thinner.
It would be easier to be romantic towards me if I were more attractive.
Yes. Amos actually said those things to me. I have awoken crying because I was having dreams that wove themselves around these two thoughts. He has apologized many many times for saying these things but the scar runs deep. You can never un-say something.
We called our Pastor and his wife to come over that day. I couldn't breath for the pain of it. Amos had shown no emotion. None. Until the pastor showed up and he had to confess to him. You see, Amos is the drummer for the worship team. A confession like this could result in being asked to step down. The tears flowed and flowed when he confessed to our pastor. It was all I could do to keep from slapping him. I felt the tears and the remorse was all for show. Notice that in his letter was the line "Please let this be between you and me." He feared the loss of his reputation. And he still does I believe.
After many tears and much pain, we decided to try and work it out. So I stayed.
It was months before I let him touch me sexually. And even longer before I let him see me nude. I couldn't bear his touch. I had learned that this was not his first slip-up with porn since our last incident. He had been looking at it pretty consistently since I last caught him. It just took me two years to catch him again. I felt that every time he had touched me since we had been married he was thinking of other, better, women. That he chose to marry me from a lack of options. That I was nothing more to him than someone to lie with and lie to. I felt dirty and ashamed when he touched me. Surely a better woman would have kept her man interested? I had just given birth and my confidence in my body was at an all time low. I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't do it without crying. Why would I let him see me when he had already proved to be judgemental of the only gift I had to offer him.... myself?
This all happened in July of 2008. By Christmas I thought we were on the mend. I had installed net nanny on the computer and we had set limits as to what I was and was not comfortable with. For instance, there was a female friend of his that he had met before we married. Their talks often turned sexual. That had kissed before. I told him that I didn't want him to have any contact with her whatsoever anymore because I did not feel he could restrain their conversations to appropriate topics. He agreed and removed her from his facebook account and (I thought) removed her phone number from his phone. On Christmas Eve I notice he got an email from this girl. She thanked him for his phone call and promised to call him back soon.
Another lie. On Christmas Eve. He swore up and down that he was only calling to wish her a Merry Christmas. Frankly, I don't care why he was calling her. I don't care if he was calling to warn her of an impending burglary. He was asked not to. Said he wouldn't. And lied. I was devastated all over again.
That Christmas was probably the worst Christmas I've ever experienced. And it shouldn't have been. It was my baby girl's very first Christmas but the only thing I remember with clarity is the betrayal.
Make no mistake. I am no saint. I threatened bulimia, I cried constantly, I made no secret that I thought he was a liar and a cad. I questioned him daily. Questions I had asked a hundred times before were asked a hundred more times in an effort to catch him in a lie.
And slowly but surely we learned to be civil to each other. Although I never trusted him again. And still don't.
And yet, there is more to our story still...
Life was rocky after I discovered Amos's dirty little secret. I felt ugly and naive and more than a little unloved. Slowly, very very slowly, Amos and I began to rebuild that trust. We rarely talked about porn and the aftermath of that first encounter with it. I would occasionally ask him if he had looked at it. The answer was always no and we then changed topics and moved on with our day.
Two years rolled by. Two years of rebuilding our lives on our new foundation. Trust has been restored and my self confidence, although no where near what it had been, was not in completely lost to me.
Finally, after four years of marriage and one miscarriage, we gave birth to our first baby in Spring of 2008. A girl. You may call her Ruth. At four weeks old I bundled up baby Ruth and hopped a plane to introduce her to my family. Amos stayed home. We had a new baby and a new 3000 square foot home. Someone had to pay the bills. I visited my family for about two blissful weeks. Every night I would talk to Amos. He was often busy and we were unable to talk as often as I liked but I wasn't worried. Before I chose to leave home and visit my family for such a long time, I asked Amos how he felt about it. He assured me that it was okay. I asked him if he thought he could handle being apart that long without looking at porn. He promised me that this would not be a problem. You see where this story is headed don't you?
After I came back home from my trip, life settled back to normal. As normal as it can be with a new baby. I soon became bored during the days and decided to order some books to occupy me. I logged onto eBay and picked some out. Amos was aware I was doing it since I was using his account and was fine with it. His only request was that I wouldn't leave feedback. I thought this was an odd request but I assumed it was because he was a former eBay employee and was very particular.
I chose a handful of books over the course of a few days and thought all was well. I was wrong. Amos came home from work early one day. Around 10 am or so. He told me to get ready and get baby Ruth ready. He wanted to take me out to lunch. This was EXTREMELY odd. My husband is not a romantic. A fact I mourn regularly, but it's true. I thought it was a wonderful surprise indeed! I prepared myself and baby for our outing and off we went.
On the way to the restaurant we dropped off the baby with Grandma and Grandpa (an even bigger surprise!) and we proceeded to go have a nice lunch. After lunch we went back to the house (without baby) and he made his confession. He had been looking at porn. In fact, he read it to me from a letter he had written that morning at work. It said this:
Esther,
I would much rather tell you all this in person, but I am at work and this is on my mind so I'm going to type it here. It's going to be babble, but I hope you will understand.
Please know that you are the most important thing in my life, even when I fail and it appears otherwise. I value you above anything else. I try not to do anything that would bring joy solely to me. Instead I am to do the things that will make you happy.
I fell Esther. Only one time since this issue last came up. I'm sorry. I violated your trust...Again. I tried to hide it from you, I even lied to you about it when you directly asked. I do not want this to be a habit. I only fell once. I am not perfect. I've been doing really good. I justified it in my mind. I have felt guilty, and even worse than that, I am not confessing from the goodness of my own heart. I am confessing because you are about to discover my failing.
It happened when you left for home with Ruth. When I found out how quickly you were leaving, and how I knew we would be checking Internet history together, I knew that the temptation would be too great. At that moment, I fell. I bought a DVD on eBay the day before you left. The DVD arrived and I watched it. The computer was not involved. I justified it by saying it would fill a void. It did temporarily.
The DVD was destroyed and thrown away before you got home. I haven't looked back or thought of it since. When I bought it I did so using my UserID on eBay. I thought nothing of it. Now that you are using my screen name to buy your books, you are moments away from finding the record or the eBay transaction in the feedback forum.
I don't know if I regret my fall more or if I regret the fact that I probably would not have said anything if you did not use Half.com to buy your books.
When I did it I said to myself, "Amos, you know you will likely get caught, you are stupid for doing this." But I did it anyway. I am sorry. I know you are angry at me. I know you feel I failed you. I know you think I don't love you. I know I have introduced doubt in your mind about my every action since you came home.
Please don't feel that way. I love you honestly and intensely. I just fell, like a child on a bike. I am thinking of you and of Ruth. I am thinking how rotten I am and contrasting that with how good I want to be and how I want you to love me and trust me. I know I let you down...again. How can you trust me?
Please don't leave me. Please. I am completely shaken by this thought. Terrified. Please don't leave me. Please let this be between you and me. Please trust me with Ruth and with my family. I sinned. I am asking for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. Please help me move on. Help me become better. Please don't cry. Please trust me. Hug me with love and trust. I fear you won't be able to trust me. Trust me in that I have no lack of love or attraction for you. My vision for us in the future has not changed. I just fell, just a flat tire on the way.
If you think I should go to come sort of counseling or support group, I will. We will find a way to afford it if you think it would add value. Please let me be a husband and a father. Please love me even though I am not perfect. Please love me. Please comfort me. Please don't leave me. I need you desperately. Nothing can take your place.
We will talk more.
Amos
Aside from name changes to preserve anonymity, the bolded text is precisely as it was written to me.
Pretty convincing eh?
We talked. I cried. Alot. He sounded sincere in his desire to change and I was sincere in my desire to believe him. He promised that everything was open to me. I was free to check the history on the computer, I was free to check his email accounts... anything.
A few weeks later I was doing exactly that. My computer savvy husband had screwed up. He had deleted emails from his inbox and from his "deleted" folder. But he didn't delete them in his "sent" folder.
I came across this email :
Jezebel,
You still alive out there? If so, shoot me an email. I havn’t heard from you. I am at xxx@xxx.com. My email is changing so I want to make sure you still have it. What’s been going on this summer for you in MA?
Amos
Pretty innocent email, yes? No. First I had no idea who Jezebel was. Second, the email he gave her was his work email and an email that I had/have no access to. He had just asked a strange person not to email him at home... Why would he do that?
I dug farther. I found a series of emails starting from the day I came home through the current week. Turns out that this was a 17 year old girl he met via web chat.
There are a whole string of emails, but I'll copy and paste the first one here so you can get the feel for the conversations...
Hi Jezebel,
Thought Iʼd email you now. You are a kind sweet person. Thank you for listening to me. We guys need an ear sometimes--I do anyway. You are enjoyable, fun, very attractive. And I know there is even more to you than what I have been introduced to so far. I hope I can continue to keep you entertained and I hope you find in me some spark that holds your interest.
Tell me a story about your summer plans when you reply, so we have something to talk about!
Amos
Before I go further, let me say that this is very difficult to write about. The things and the kindness he was expressing here are things he did not express to me. Please bear with me as I try to sort through the memories. I would also like to express that this email is as bad as it got. Yes he continued to flirt with her, but he made no propositions and did nothing illegal. Just flirting. But flirting is enough to break your wife's heart.
The time stamps on these emails indicate that he was up at 3 am writing them. During time he did not have to spare for me. During times he told me he was tired and wished to sleep.
I could go on and on with the things that were said following this revelation, but I'll hit on the things that effected me most.
These following two things have been things that have given me nightmares over the past two years...
I would be more attractive were I thinner.
It would be easier to be romantic towards me if I were more attractive.
Yes. Amos actually said those things to me. I have awoken crying because I was having dreams that wove themselves around these two thoughts. He has apologized many many times for saying these things but the scar runs deep. You can never un-say something.
We called our Pastor and his wife to come over that day. I couldn't breath for the pain of it. Amos had shown no emotion. None. Until the pastor showed up and he had to confess to him. You see, Amos is the drummer for the worship team. A confession like this could result in being asked to step down. The tears flowed and flowed when he confessed to our pastor. It was all I could do to keep from slapping him. I felt the tears and the remorse was all for show. Notice that in his letter was the line "Please let this be between you and me." He feared the loss of his reputation. And he still does I believe.
After many tears and much pain, we decided to try and work it out. So I stayed.
It was months before I let him touch me sexually. And even longer before I let him see me nude. I couldn't bear his touch. I had learned that this was not his first slip-up with porn since our last incident. He had been looking at it pretty consistently since I last caught him. It just took me two years to catch him again. I felt that every time he had touched me since we had been married he was thinking of other, better, women. That he chose to marry me from a lack of options. That I was nothing more to him than someone to lie with and lie to. I felt dirty and ashamed when he touched me. Surely a better woman would have kept her man interested? I had just given birth and my confidence in my body was at an all time low. I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't do it without crying. Why would I let him see me when he had already proved to be judgemental of the only gift I had to offer him.... myself?
This all happened in July of 2008. By Christmas I thought we were on the mend. I had installed net nanny on the computer and we had set limits as to what I was and was not comfortable with. For instance, there was a female friend of his that he had met before we married. Their talks often turned sexual. That had kissed before. I told him that I didn't want him to have any contact with her whatsoever anymore because I did not feel he could restrain their conversations to appropriate topics. He agreed and removed her from his facebook account and (I thought) removed her phone number from his phone. On Christmas Eve I notice he got an email from this girl. She thanked him for his phone call and promised to call him back soon.
Another lie. On Christmas Eve. He swore up and down that he was only calling to wish her a Merry Christmas. Frankly, I don't care why he was calling her. I don't care if he was calling to warn her of an impending burglary. He was asked not to. Said he wouldn't. And lied. I was devastated all over again.
That Christmas was probably the worst Christmas I've ever experienced. And it shouldn't have been. It was my baby girl's very first Christmas but the only thing I remember with clarity is the betrayal.
Make no mistake. I am no saint. I threatened bulimia, I cried constantly, I made no secret that I thought he was a liar and a cad. I questioned him daily. Questions I had asked a hundred times before were asked a hundred more times in an effort to catch him in a lie.
And slowly but surely we learned to be civil to each other. Although I never trusted him again. And still don't.
And yet, there is more to our story still...
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thankful?
I realize that I am in the midst of telling a story and so, by all logical thought , I should probably pick up where I left off. But I find I am distracted.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Amos and I had been having a rough few days but I thought it had been resolved and I awoke determined to have a happy Thanksgiving. Apparently I was mistaken.
For the first half of the morning all of my attempts to engage Amos in conversation failed. Miserably. After a morning of near hostility I was near my breaking point. And then this conversation happened while I was in the midst of combing my daughter's hair...
Amos: What does Ruth have in her mouth?
(Ruth is our young daughter)
Esther: She's having her very first piece of chewing gum!
(At this point Amos looks at me as if I had just told him I handed our daughter an oozie.)
Amos: That was not a good idea.
Esther: You've been very critical of me lately.
Amos: Yeah.
Esther: You act like you don't even like me anymore...
Amos: I don't know.
Esther: You can't tell me wether or not you even like me anymore?
Amos: Just finish Ruth's hair.
Needless to say... I was devestated. I would not have been more shocked had he slapped me in the face. You can't bring yourself to say you like me? Truely? I'm your wife. The woman who has stayed with you for 6 years and stood by you through an addiction that breaks my heart. The mother of your children. I left my family and friends to marry you, my lover and my best friend and now you don't even know if you LIKE me?
I basically shut down the rest of the day and so did he. We didnt touch. We went out of our way not to. We communicated only to exchange vital pieces of information primarily regarding the children. We slapped on fake smiles and went to Thanksgiving dinner and in the eyes of all we were a happy little family.
This morning I awoke and found this note :
"I don't like the anger and silence either. I still love you."
It's a step I suppose. I was glad to get it. It's nice to hear I am still loved but after yesterday, I can't help but feel a bit jerked around. Just another day in the life of a porn widow I suppose.
Here's hoping that my Black Friday is not quite so black as my Thanksgiving.
Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Amos and I had been having a rough few days but I thought it had been resolved and I awoke determined to have a happy Thanksgiving. Apparently I was mistaken.
For the first half of the morning all of my attempts to engage Amos in conversation failed. Miserably. After a morning of near hostility I was near my breaking point. And then this conversation happened while I was in the midst of combing my daughter's hair...
Amos: What does Ruth have in her mouth?
(Ruth is our young daughter)
Esther: She's having her very first piece of chewing gum!
(At this point Amos looks at me as if I had just told him I handed our daughter an oozie.)
Amos: That was not a good idea.
Esther: You've been very critical of me lately.
Amos: Yeah.
Esther: You act like you don't even like me anymore...
Amos: I don't know.
Esther: You can't tell me wether or not you even like me anymore?
Amos: Just finish Ruth's hair.
Needless to say... I was devestated. I would not have been more shocked had he slapped me in the face. You can't bring yourself to say you like me? Truely? I'm your wife. The woman who has stayed with you for 6 years and stood by you through an addiction that breaks my heart. The mother of your children. I left my family and friends to marry you, my lover and my best friend and now you don't even know if you LIKE me?
I basically shut down the rest of the day and so did he. We didnt touch. We went out of our way not to. We communicated only to exchange vital pieces of information primarily regarding the children. We slapped on fake smiles and went to Thanksgiving dinner and in the eyes of all we were a happy little family.
This morning I awoke and found this note :
"I don't like the anger and silence either. I still love you."
It's a step I suppose. I was glad to get it. It's nice to hear I am still loved but after yesterday, I can't help but feel a bit jerked around. Just another day in the life of a porn widow I suppose.
Here's hoping that my Black Friday is not quite so black as my Thanksgiving.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Widowed at 21
The title of this post is meant to pique your curiosity. To entice you. To draw you in. The rest of this post , and the blog it's attached to, will hopefully make your visit worth it.
This blog is my journey from young naive woman, to devestated spouse, to bitter porn widow, and hopefully, eventually, to loving wife. Care to take it with me?
I do not pretend to have all the answers. I do not claim that this blog will, in ANY way, help you as you travel your own journey. But I will say this... we've made lots of mistakes in our journey thus far and many more will follow, I'm sure. I'm praying that someone will recgonize and learn from our mistakes.
Feel free to comment without judgement from me. I will not condemn you wether you be the addict or the widow or anywhere in between.
I am 28 years old. I am a Christian. I am female. I am a mother. I am a wife. And I am a porn widow. You may call me Esther.
I married my husband, whom you may call Amos, when I was 21 years old. We were virgins when we married. Within the first six months of my marriage I was a porn widow although I had quite some time ahead of me before I found that out.
To be fair, I knew Amos looked at porn when I married him. He promised that there would be no more of that after we married and I beleived him. And I truely think that Amos also believed it. There was a big production involving his porn stash (a handful of DVD's) and a small sledge hammer. And that was that. Or so I thought.
I was whisked along in marital bliss for the first couple of years of our marriage before my bubble burst. I remember sitting down in front of the computer in our very small 900 square foot townhouse and browsing the history. A strange site was listed there. And then another. And another. So, I opened the first one up only to be accosted by a pair of (greatly enhanced) naked breasts beneath the face of a seductivly smiling woman. Shocked by this, I checked the other sites. All of them trash. All of them filth.
Amos was in the family room watching television and I called to him. As he came casually and confidently into the office I watched him. I saw it when it happened. I saw the facade of doting husband melt away into a look of horror and panic. I asked him then... "What is this?" He tried his best to compose himself and to tell me that he had no idea what this was and that his brother must have looked up porn on our computer. I wanted to believe that. I tried to believe that. Unfortunatly, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He came clean. I broke down into tears feeling betrayed and discarded. I grabbed my wallet and keys and left the house. I had to think. I had to compose myself. I had to decide if I would forgive him.
Perhaps I should interject here that marrying Amos meant leaving my family and my home and moving 1500 miles away to place where I knew no one. I had a choice to make when he proposed to me. I chose Amos. I had a choice to make again. Should I bail ship? After two years in this state I had still not made any close friends and although I thought I was very close to Amos, how close could I actually be with someone hiding a secret this big?
Ultimately I chose to go back home to Amos. It was just a mistake and he didn't realize how much it meant to me that we have a sexually pure marriage and that he not lust after other women. That night in bed he admitted to picking back up his porn habbit about six months after we married and he had been hiding it this long. I learned that nights when he stayed up late doing computer "work" were nights he actually browsed porn sites and ultimately masturbated to them. He apologized and promised that it would never happen again. He loved me.
The last thing I remember asking him that night was this:
"Do you ever think of other women when we have sex?"
"Yes." he said.
"Do I know any of them?"
There was a pause then. No answer. Finally I said:
"Nevermind. I don't want to know."
He laughed when I said that. That's right... He. Laughed. And then he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his nose in my neck and went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep that night in his arms.
And thus our house of cards begins to topple.
My next post will tell you what happened when trust and forgiveness is rebuilt and reborn.
This blog is my journey from young naive woman, to devestated spouse, to bitter porn widow, and hopefully, eventually, to loving wife. Care to take it with me?
I do not pretend to have all the answers. I do not claim that this blog will, in ANY way, help you as you travel your own journey. But I will say this... we've made lots of mistakes in our journey thus far and many more will follow, I'm sure. I'm praying that someone will recgonize and learn from our mistakes.
Feel free to comment without judgement from me. I will not condemn you wether you be the addict or the widow or anywhere in between.
I am 28 years old. I am a Christian. I am female. I am a mother. I am a wife. And I am a porn widow. You may call me Esther.
I married my husband, whom you may call Amos, when I was 21 years old. We were virgins when we married. Within the first six months of my marriage I was a porn widow although I had quite some time ahead of me before I found that out.
To be fair, I knew Amos looked at porn when I married him. He promised that there would be no more of that after we married and I beleived him. And I truely think that Amos also believed it. There was a big production involving his porn stash (a handful of DVD's) and a small sledge hammer. And that was that. Or so I thought.
I was whisked along in marital bliss for the first couple of years of our marriage before my bubble burst. I remember sitting down in front of the computer in our very small 900 square foot townhouse and browsing the history. A strange site was listed there. And then another. And another. So, I opened the first one up only to be accosted by a pair of (greatly enhanced) naked breasts beneath the face of a seductivly smiling woman. Shocked by this, I checked the other sites. All of them trash. All of them filth.
Amos was in the family room watching television and I called to him. As he came casually and confidently into the office I watched him. I saw it when it happened. I saw the facade of doting husband melt away into a look of horror and panic. I asked him then... "What is this?" He tried his best to compose himself and to tell me that he had no idea what this was and that his brother must have looked up porn on our computer. I wanted to believe that. I tried to believe that. Unfortunatly, I just couldn't bring myself to do it. He came clean. I broke down into tears feeling betrayed and discarded. I grabbed my wallet and keys and left the house. I had to think. I had to compose myself. I had to decide if I would forgive him.
Perhaps I should interject here that marrying Amos meant leaving my family and my home and moving 1500 miles away to place where I knew no one. I had a choice to make when he proposed to me. I chose Amos. I had a choice to make again. Should I bail ship? After two years in this state I had still not made any close friends and although I thought I was very close to Amos, how close could I actually be with someone hiding a secret this big?
Ultimately I chose to go back home to Amos. It was just a mistake and he didn't realize how much it meant to me that we have a sexually pure marriage and that he not lust after other women. That night in bed he admitted to picking back up his porn habbit about six months after we married and he had been hiding it this long. I learned that nights when he stayed up late doing computer "work" were nights he actually browsed porn sites and ultimately masturbated to them. He apologized and promised that it would never happen again. He loved me.
The last thing I remember asking him that night was this:
"Do you ever think of other women when we have sex?"
"Yes." he said.
"Do I know any of them?"
There was a pause then. No answer. Finally I said:
"Nevermind. I don't want to know."
He laughed when I said that. That's right... He. Laughed. And then he wrapped his arms around my waist and buried his nose in my neck and went to sleep. I cried myself to sleep that night in his arms.
And thus our house of cards begins to topple.
My next post will tell you what happened when trust and forgiveness is rebuilt and reborn.
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