Today is a bad day...

My parents had me later in life. My mother was 40 when she had me. My siblings were 19, 20, 21, and 22. I was an accident  surprise. By the time I was born my siblings were all married with kids of their own. I have neices older than I am. It's odd to most but it's my normal. Growing up there were four of us around the same age. H. (female, one year older) G (male, one year younger) and J ( male, three years younger.) H. and G. were actual brother and sister but we all grew up staying and playing together during the days so we all, to this day, call each other brother and sister. All but one.

G is dead. He was driving through the mountains where I grew up and was on his way to work. The roads were wet and slick. I lived next to a large lake and in the early morning hours it was common to have fog pooled around your vehicle. That was the case this morning. This road is curvy and dangerous. There have been countless wrecks on this road, but for those of us that lived on it, we could drive it with our eyes shut. G was over confident.  He had traveled the road a thousand times. He knew when to brake, when to accelorate, when to drive cautiously. I don't know what he was thinking about that morning, but he wasnt thinking about the road. He took a curve too sharply and ended up in the lane of oncoming traffic which happened to be posessed by a large freight truck at the time. G hit head on. He was thrown out the back of his vehicle and his head hit the pavement. The truck he hit rolled off the bank but the driver didnt get a scratch. G was airlifted to a hospital 3 hours away. He was on life support for a while but once the tests came back stating that there was no brain function, they took him off. I was holding his hand at the time they released the test results. I was the only one in the room. The only reason I knew the results were not good was because I hear my mother cry and saw her crumple to the ground through the glass doors of the ICU.  I started tugging at G's hand then. Begging him to squeeze back. I remember telling him that they were going to kill him. They were going to pull the plug. They didn't believe that he was in there anymore. We had to prove them wrong!

G never woke up. He was 20 years old. I was 21. He was supposed to be in my wedding. He would have been a groomsman and stood up with my husband at my alter. But he didn't. I mourn him still. I think of him daily. Almost every day is a good day now. I rarely cry over him anymore. It's been 6 years. I've healed. For the most part.

Today is a bad day. Last night I tossed and turned. Every time I closed my eyes, G was there. He was dead, but it was like he was a ghost or something (I would like to interject here that I personally do not believe in ghosts. I believe when you die you are judged and sent to heaven or hell. There's no lingering and no in between). I felt weird talking to him because I knew he wasn't supposed to be here anymore. I remember looking at my sister (his mother) in this dream and asking "When did G come back?"  "Oh, he's been back a while now. I can't figure out why though."  And on and on we went. Just chatting. Nothing particularly bad during our chat but the dream as a whole was disturbing. I dont like the dreams where he comes back dead. I feel like he's not happy where he's at and he wants to cling to his old life and it makes me sad. Sometimes I have dreams where I know he's going to die and he's telling me that it's okay and that he's ready. I like those dreams. This wasn't one of those dreams. I wake up and I'm sad and drained and I have trouble shaking it off. Logically, I know that he's happy. He was a Christian and he talked about God and publically served Him. I know that if I went to G and told him he could come back and live out the life that he was denied, he'd turn me down flat. He is where we all strive to be. My head knows this, but sometimes I just can't get my heart to shut up. It's going to be a long day.