And so begins the final chapter in this mess.
This is the last time we're going through this. I can't take it anymore. Three rounds is enough to KO even the best of us. One way or another... This will end.
Speaking of ending it... Amos called me yesterday. We will be attending our very first session with a marriage counselor. A Christian marriage counselor. Our first real true solid step toward marital healing. Even the longest journeys begin with only one step I suppose.
Our insurance won't pay for this. It's 100 bucks. Right in the middle of the Christmas season. Right after the very expensive birth of our son. I didn't think twice about it. Pay it. Charge it. Sell your clothes to pay it. I don't care how you pay it, just PAY IT. It's the most important 100 bucks we will ever spend. Amos is concerned, but to his credit he didn't whine to loudly about the money and he did all the work finding her. I think he really does want to fix things. That's good. I love him.
Pray for financial help. We're living just tight enough to make it hurt and it sure would be nice not to have to juggle money woes as well as a porn addiction and new baby just now.
Ah, Such is life.
*hugs* I don't know if it's possible, but it may be beneficial to do individual counseling as well. That's what my husband and I did. Every week for about three months, I went one night, he went one night, and we went together one night...does insurance cover counseling at all?
ReplyDeleteYes we are covered individually but not as couples counseling. Go figure that out. I honestly have no clue what's in store for us. Monday should be very interesting.
ReplyDeleteI don't know you or your husband but I know a great deal about addiction and loving an addict. Be it drug, porn, or alcohol, you are not alone as the lover of an addict. And your husband is not alone either.
ReplyDeleteYour posts are deep and thoughtful and full of pain. I've been there, I have. Please remember, you did not Cause this, you can not Cure this and you can't Control it. The 3 C's.
Have you considered S-Anon? Has your husband considered a 12-Step Group? I highly recommend this course of action. I am also a Christian but am a long time believer, supporter and attender to 12-Step meetings. I think you might find a lot of healing, connections and support in a group. Here is the website: http://www.sanon.org/ Here is the group that could help your husband if he's willing to admit his powerlessness: http://www.sexaa.org/
God Bless and for the sake of your own sanity, please seek a 12-Step Group.
Anon,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment. I have looked at those sites and they do indeed look promising. I have looked for groups in the past but have found none close to home, however I did find a sanon group on your link. These may prove to be very benificial to us.
My husband readily admits his powerlessness over his porn addiction but he does consider himself a cut above the rest of the other "sex addicts." He thinks the groups don't apply to him since he's never gone to the lengths of physical contact. Pride is a hard thing to let go of in a man. I do think he may do it if pressed. He once told me he would do it if I made him. But I am undecided if I want to "force" him into treatment.
Thank you for your information!
You're a good woman for not making the move to "force" him into treatment. He needs to go on his own because "his life has become unmanageable" not because his wife thinks it's a good idea. Believe me, I am talking from experience here. My husband is an addict (he's been in recovery for one year) and my dad is an addict/alcoholic (recovery for 2 years.) In "The Program" they call it "rock-bottom". Until your husband hits rock-bottom he's not going to be willing to do whatever it takes to get well. He's been trying to do it "alone" for 6+ years now - trust me, he has not hit rock bottom. And you're right - Pride is hard in a man... and this is what makes the rock bottom so nasty for many. They need a lot to break them. One of my best friend's husband is addicted to porn. He also has never "gone to great lengths of physical contact" but he's done all the things your husband has. They also have two children and she is shattered. She just started attending SAnon. For her. For her kids. For herself for once. She's been married for 11 years. Her husband has used porn for many more years than that. He thinks he can "stop" and his "will is strong" and that God will heal him. God is a miracle worker, but he doesn't work in hearts that do not surrender everything to him.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if your husband has seen the first three steps of Sex Addicts Anonymous?
#1 We admitted we were powerless over addictive sexual behavior - that our lives had become unmanageable.
#2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
#3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.
Friend, I don't know how I happened upon your site, or why I feel so intrigued to communicate with you except that I have felt your pain so raw before that I know where you are. The pain and torture of lies and deceit in a marriage is a large pill to swallow and forgiveness has been extremely hard for me too.
It is only through God's mercy and the 12-Step programs that my relationships have been made whole again and my children have a Father and Grandfather that are free from their addictions today.
A great book I'd like to recommend to you is "A Hunger for Healing: The Twelve Steps as a CLassic Model for Christian Spiritual Growth." It's the 12-Steps... but with a Christian perspective. It's by J. Keith Miller. Here is the link: http://www.keithmiller.com/store/a-hunger-for-healing-the-twelve-steps-as-a-classic-model-for-christian-spiritual-growth-copy/
My heart goes out to you and I'll be praying for you both, that God holds you in the palm of his hand and guides you and that you both put God in the center.
Your Sister in Christ.
It was funny reading Anon's first comment because Jose and I have what we call the 3 C's that made our marriage work: counseling, church, and communication. And I'm glad that your anonymous post was kind and gentlehearted. Often they are not.
ReplyDeleteCarla...
ReplyDeleteI mights have to steal your C's!
I will always welcome comments and I think Anon's was left out of love which is especially warming.
I saw your unkind anonymous post... I think they posted out of love but I'm not entirely sure they thought things through before they posted. I also saw your response. Nicely done!
Yea. I'm sure you know that Jill recieves quite a large volume of anonymous comments...mostly crude and hateful. :( I'm fortunate that the one on my post wasn't sent hatefully, however, it wasn't done in the most tasteful manner. And after being in this place for over a year, of having to justify myself to others, I have little patience for those who assume that they know my life through and through and comment to me (on my blog, to my face, on facebook, etc.) telling me what I should or shouldn't do. One thing I have learned is this: I will not every give unsolicited advice. And if I am in the position to give advice, it will be sent with love, prayers, and offered as a suggestion, not a "do this" kinda statement. If you like the 3 C's, you'll love the "Love Jar." ;) Maybe I'll post about it on my blog....hmmm. :D
ReplyDelete