I'm taking another break in the story to do something that is, to me, a huge step.
Amos says I have trouble forgiving him. I say he makes forgiveness difficult when he lies constantly. He says I hold on to things and dwell on them. I say I like to sort out the mess once and for all, which means exploring every last minute detail until I am convinced I understand it.
Of course, I'm not being entirely accurate there. Although that is true, I do have a problem letting go. I don't know why. He says he wants to go forward and not think about the past. I don't have that choice. It's almost as though I think if I have to live with it, then so does he. It haunts me. It's like the big invisible elephant in the room and I'm the only one who can see it. It's with me all the time. Every time I dare to take a bite of food. Every time I pass a mirror. Every time I pass a woman in the mall who seems to think wearing a piece of yarn for a shirt is appropriate. Every time I see my husband look twice at another woman. Every time I turn on the computer. Every time I look at my kids and wonder "Was he thinking of me when we concieved you?". Every time I go to sleep and wake up angry, scared, and destroyed because I've dreampt of catching him with porn or because I've heard his past hurtful words echoed in my dreams. Every time I change the password on the computer so he won't be able to access it alone. I can't escape it. I have no control over this. I've tried. I've tried to ignore it. I've tried to beat it to death. I've tried to forget. I'm currently just co-existing with the past. No quite holding tight to it, but not quite letting go either.
Thus the inspiration for today's post. There is something I can do. In my email I have a folder. In that folder I have every email that Amos ever sent to Jezebel. Every email that she ever sent to him. Every email we sent back and forth to each other during the aftermath of his betrayals. I even have the emails he sent to the eBay seller regarding the porn DVDs he purchased during my trip home. I have it all. I have kept every evil shred I found.
I do have control over that folder. I do have the ability to let go of at least that much.
Today I deleted that folder.
I don't claim to know anything about what you are going through. I don't claim to know how to move past this. i have never been in your shoes. But I am proud that you deleted that folder. I feel like that would be a good starting place of moving past this and allowing healing to take place.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who's husband had an affair. He got the other woman pregnant just a week before my friend was supposed to be giving birth to their second child. They are still together and while they still have their struggles, they are doing well. I would love to put you in contact with her if you would like to talk to someone who has been "somewhat" in your shoes. If not, that it completely fine, I just thought I would offer.
Feel free to email me at jillhaskins1@yahoo.com or check out her blog at http://servingofinsanity.blogspot.com/ she doesn't blog about it much, but i know she is always open to sharing their story.
prayers are with you... :o)
I've peaked in and I must admit her perspective is wonderful. Had I been through that same thing, I can't be sure I'd be as gracious! Thank you for that link!
ReplyDeleteGeesh, Jill. Way to talk me up to some sort of martyrdom. Porn Widow, we are not even NEAR the point of being strong again. We still fight. I have meltdowns. I hate sex, unless it is I imagining something else. I can't go to sleep without exhausting myself. I refuse to eat at certain restaurants, to visit certain places. I hate a specific car and, unfortunatly by default, have agression towards anyone who drives one.
ReplyDeleteIt's always a work in progress. My email is carlasue476@hotmail.com, since we are sharing. Hope to hear from you "Esther"...