Nothing but the Facts Ma'am...

I'm too exhausted to be clever tonight this morning. My mind is over worked, over tired, and under fed. I won't be putting the same "umph" in this entry as I normally try to incorporate into my writing. Instead today you get just the facts.

Fact: On Monday December 8th 2010, Amos and I attended our very first marriage counseling session.

I nearly burst into tears upon entering the room. It was pathetic. The therapist (counselor? what are they called?)  asked what we thought about being there then looked to me to answer. And cue the water works. I blubbered something about never thinking in a million years that my marriage would end up here. The tissue box was passed my way and I held on to it for the next hour.

Would you like to hear the most interesting part? Porn and porn addiction was talked about , but it was no where near center stage. As I look back on the session, I'm just astounded by that. We talked about the disconnect that Amos and I have. I want romance and he wants sex. We talked about his unwillingness inability to be romantic towards me. This is a problem we've had for quite some time. I crave it. I want it. I need it. He has expressed willingness to try and come up with something to make me feel pursued and wooed, but he lacks follow through.  We talked about my need to feel like he chose me instead of just settled for me. We talked about his lack of emotion... or at least his lack of showing emotion. This is one of the things that I will readily admit drives me absolutely insane with rage. I hate that I am over flowing with emotion to the point of being unable to contain myself, and he seems utterly untouched and unmoved. It seems so ... unfair that I should carry the load myself (remember this, I'll be coming back to this). Amos did a majority of the talking. He gets a bit wordy sometimes. As weird as it is, I like that.

Another interesting part is this. I , apparently, am the only one unsatisfied. Amos says he would change nothing about me. That he is happy in our marriage. I can't seem to wrap my head around this. I thought we were both struggling. Apparently not. That's... interesting. I'm not sure what it means, but it surprises me that he is, all in all, happy.

Fact: I weigh 235 lbs.

Yeah that one hurts. I'm not sure what happened. I weighed about 165 when I married Amos. It was at the upper end of normal for my height, but healthy nonetheless.  Life happened. I wish I could say something specific caused this, but I can't. It was a culmination of things. A person extremely close to me died. They died young. One of those things you can't prepare for. I still mourn him. I began having anxiety attacks shortly after we were married. My brother-in-law passed away about 6 months after I married. I started a new job that I almost hated. I had no family or friends to speak of here. I was far from home. Whatever the reason... I guess I just got bored and ate. I have no one to blame but myself. I did this to me.  Now I have to undo it.

Things have been said about my weight in my marriage. I've mentioned before the things that hurt me the most. But those things don't matter. Not really. I thought they did. I tried to lose weight. I tried to look pretty for him. At one point I even had it in my brain that I'd lose my weight and make him want me again... and then I wouldn't let him touch me. That thought didn't last long, thank God. The point is that before now, for the past 4 or so years, I've been trying to drop the weight for the wrong reason. It's not about looking good for Amos. Something's wrong with that man's heart, and I could melt myself away into nothing and it still wouldn't fix it. Amos has to be responsible for fixing Amos. Esther has to be responsible for fixing Esther. I want to live a long time. I want to be able to outlast my kids. I want energy. I want to be able to hike and swim and run. And if I may be vain a moment... I want clothes that friggin fit!  And now, for the first time since I've been married, I've finally got this figured out. I'm losing weight. And I'm doing it for my health and for my kids and those are pretty dang good reasons.

On the day I had my son, I weighed in at 286 lbs. At the beginning of November I weighed 250 lbs and I set a goal to lose 20 lbs by Christmas. As of today I weigh 235 lbs.  I can do this. It's good to have a goal. To have a distraction. And I must say, I'm proud of myself for finally fixing my heart in this regard. It's been broken for too long.

Fact: Amos cried last night.

Remember when I said I was carrying this emotional burden alone? Maybe I've been wrong...

One of the things brought up during counseling was divorce. Amos has sworn that he is committed to our marriage and to me. I'm skeptical. He puts up a hard front. He truly shows almost nothing. Last night he cried to me after the counseling. He cried and said he was sorry and said he was scared of losing me. He said he loved me. He let me hold him while he cried. He woke up in the middle of the night clinging to me because he dreamed that I left him and when he awoke, he thought it was real. Maybe he means it. Please God, let him mean it.  He knows I crave tenderness and romance. We'll see if he's found his motivation for follow through.

Fact:

I love my husband. In all other respects, we're gold. He's a wonderful provider. He's incredibly supportive. He tries to serve me. He's a Christian. Make no mistake.. he is a Christian. He is fallen like the rest of us and his sin is an intimate betrayal to me, but the blood of Christ covers him the same as it does everyone else.

I believe we will get through this. Some days are better than others. Some days I feel forgiving, some days I want to claw my way up the walls with my anger and frustration.

Good Night Morning Friends.