No bitter words today. More air. Breathe in... Breathe out...
It's nice. Although I find I am getting frustrated with his actions. This isn't new. It's not that he's being derogatory or anything like that. Not really. He's just not really listening to me. I don't like to be groped. I need romance and sweetness. I'm his wife, not his whore. I'll admit there is certainly a place and a time for that stuff within a marriage. In fact, that's the only place and time that it's appropriate. However... I don't need to know that I inspire him to think about sex. EVERYTHING inspires him to think about sex. I want to know that I inspire romance in him. I have asked him a hundred times to be romantic towards me. He admits that he's falling short here. He's admitted it for years. But he's not fixing it. I cry often about this. I feel like I'm giving and giving and getting not nearly enough. I have explained that while his sex drive is visually stimulated, mine is emotionally stimulated. I want to cuddle into his lap and just have him enjoy the cuddle, but he won't. He sticks his hands down my pants or up my shirt. I tell him I don't like it and he either doesn't stop or he does it again five minutes later. I do not want to be groped. I want a day that he holds me just because he's happy to be married to me. Not because he's got sex on the brain. He considers household chores romance. I consider that life so he thinks he doesn't get credit for the stuff he does that is romantic.
When I feel like he loves me because I'm ME and not because I happen to posess a vagina then we can grope. I need to be wooed. I need to be won and persued. I firmly believe, and have been all but told, that we're married because I was the first one to say yes. I need romance to feel loved. Sex is not special...not to him anyway. He gets turned on by all sorts of things. I want to know I inspire him romantically. All he wants to do is be "dirty". He told me that he thinks part of his desire to look at porn stemmed from it being "dirty". What does he want from a woman with no self confidence left?
This is a jumbled mess of thoughts. I don't have time to proofread. Don't get me wrong. It's been a great day considering everything happening in our lives right now... I just feel... neglected.
how long are you going to let this man treat you like this before you leave him? he's cheated on you numerous times (i do believe porn is cheating) and now leaving you with no self confidence. sometimes it is not worth staying with someone who has already shown he is not going to change than hoping that he will. good luck, but in your heart, you already know what you should do.
ReplyDeleteshayna
Shayna. Thank you for your comment. There are certainly things that I agree and disagree within it. In fact... you just inspired the next post I'll make.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Shayna, that in your heart, you already know what to do. I don't agree that it's necessarily leaving him. *Hugs* to you Esther.
ReplyDeleteDoes he not understand that every betrayal is going back to square one in a relationship? You may have six years, but they've been six years of doing marriage over and over again. Hopefully the counselling will help him understand that he needs to "date" you again, woo and pursue you because he sure has lost all his rights (in my mind) that a faithful, trust worthy husband would have by now. Which includes a wife who feels secure enough in her marriage and her man to be groped, to have a quickie, etc.
ReplyDeletePeach:
ReplyDeleteI don't think he equates security with the ability to be comfortable with a "quickie." I have often told him that the last six years a basically a wash to me. Every moment I held special is now tainted with "Was he thinking of me? Was he looking at porn in the other room?" A marriage wasted. I will say that he heard me out on this point and has made a very very concious effort to touch me in ways that are please to ME. A back rub, playing with my hair, holding my hand. We're getting there. Slowly but surely.
Esther,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with all the memories being ruined. I still have moments where I look at a photo or my husband mentions a memory and I'm like, "Oh. You were sleeping with her then."
As far as good reads go, check this one out: Relationships by Drs. Les and Leslie Parrot. I read it for a class in college and loved it. I would love to get my hands on all their books, honestly. Basically, relationships is just an overview of how to make any relationship work and it they are Christian, so that's worked in there too. They have tons of marriage books and even parenting books. Here's a link for their website: http://www.realrelationships.com/
*hugs*
First, let me state, I'm not the same Shayna that posted up there. Although it is funny that two people with the same name(when the name is rather rare!) have posted on your blog. Small world.
ReplyDeleteI do believe that porn is a form of cheating as well. I have to admit, the stuff with Jezebel would have freaked me out.
I have been in your shoes. The first 2 years of marriage were me trying to convince my husband that I didn't want his hand down my pants at all times. It was trying to convince him that the reason I pulled away when he grabbed my nipple was because it wasn't sexy, or romantic, or anything that turned me on.
I don't know what finally "clicked". My husband has started being the most romantic, wooing, CARING individual. I'm not going to lie. When we first got married (in the first year) there were many times I wondered why I married him, and I cried myself to sleep at night. I suspected an addiction at that time, but didn't take the time to find proof.
I was a virgin when we got married, although I had fooled around some with my husband (and only my husband) before we got married. He was not a virgin. He had only had sex with one other person, but I still mourn that he didn't lose his virginity to me as well. I, to, wanted to be wooed. Caressed. Romanced. I hated that his idea of getting me "in the mood" was a grope between my legs.
So I withdrew. ALL of our fights just about it were about sex. The fact that I pulled away and put it off. I deal with some feelings about sex (that stem from us fooling around before were married -- sex makes me feel guilty, like I'm doing something wrong), but mostly it was that I never felt in the mood. And when I did, I wasn't comfortable expressing that to my husband.
I tried explaining the visual vs. romantic stimulations. No help. FINALLY what I think got through to him was something that one of my bible professors told me.
"Women are like an oven. You have to turn them on and pre-heat them. Men are like a microwave, they can be ready at a seconds notice"
Telling him that analogy seemed to finally get through, and our marriage has taken a turn for the better. Do I think he still looks at porn? Yes. Does it still bother me? Yes. He's addicted to it, and he's addicted to tobacco. Both of these things are things we're working on, I'm just kind of at a loss as to how to proceed.