The Saint vs The Sinner

I have misrepresented my husband. I have done poorly. I have no one to blame but myself. As you read this blog, keep in mind that this is my venting place. You won't hear all the good stories here. This is where I cowardly  anonomously post all my shameful secrets. You won't here about the pep talk he gave me today bringing us both to joyful tears. You won't hear about what a dedicated and loving father he is. You won't hear about the compliments he pays my cooking or about all the housework that he helps me with or about all his efforts supporting my photography. You'll only hear about the things that make me cry.

Last night we talked about romance. I went to him after I made my blog post and I poured out my heart. Thanking him for a good day and trying to gently point out the parts that hurt me. Afterwards I told him that I was glad that God had chosen him for me. He looked at me like I had grown a second head and said "How could you possibly say that?" And I didn't even have to stop and think about it. I said, "Because I love you more than I'm mad at you."  And it's true. I love him.

I'm not trying to excuse what he did. I'm certainly not justifying it.  I consider lust (porn) adultery .  But I have painted a picture that suggests that it's The Saint vs The Sinner. That's just not accurate. Not by a long shot. Not many men would stick around and let a woman beat them over the heads with their shame and guilt on a nearly daily basis. My husband does. Not many men would expose that shame to members of their family at their wives request. My husband did. Not many men would would buy self help book after self help book after self help book and then sit there and have a humilating conversation about the contents on a weekly basis. My husband did. Not many men would reveal themselves to their pastor. My husband did. Not many men would be will to dump money they didn't have to spare into marriage counseling right smack dab in the Christmas season. My husband is.

On the flip side... I'm no saint.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?”  Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matt 18:21-22

I am the bride of Christ. How many times have I been unfaithful? Certainly more than seven. More than seventy-seven. I am so lucky that God does not judge with the same ruler that I do.

No. This is not a case of The Saint vs The Sinner but of two sinners wallowing in their own filth.

Make no mistake, I certainly hold him accountable for the damage he's done. I am first and foremost a mother. I will not stay if I think it has come to the point of influencing my children. This must end.  I will follow the guidance of God to decide when/if I leave my husband but if Amos and I will both be open to the heart of God, I do not believe it will come to that. As long as I believe Amos is still fighting the good fight, I will fight along side of him. And Amos is fighting still. And so I fight as well.