The Lake Effect

We had our second counseling  session on Monday. I'm still up in the air about what I think of it. I told her my concerns regarding leading questions. I told her that it did nothing for me and she said she'd back away from them for a while. She also said they had a purpose and that they'd eventually stop feeling forced and start inducing emotion. I can't imagine that, but she's the professional so I'll trust her. Most of this session was spent talking about Amos and his addiction. I don't feel like much progress was made. Amos is a talker. He has ALWAYS been a talker. Instead of answering a direct question he'll tell a story that relates or give an analogy. Usually I find this endearing, but when we're paying ninety bucks out of pocket for a fifty minute session I want to keep things moving. I honestly cannot tell you any progress made whatsoever. She talked about his need to be able to have a safe place. She asked him if he would be willing to go to a twelve step program. And I couldn't tell you much else. I said probably twelve whole sentences during that session which is fine as long as we're actually going somewhere with this, but I don't feel like we are. I'm getting discouraged. But then again, this is what she does for a living. She knows what she's doing. We're going back on Jan 3rd.

One interesting question she asked was "How do you feel about the progress you've made so far?"  She was referring to the fact that things are starting to settle down at home. Less crying. More calm. Pseudo peaceful. I picture it as a large lake. The top is glassy, smooth, still. But underneath, in the area that you can't see, there are fish and frogs and bugs and all manner of movement and activity. That's the state our marriage is in. We both have a million thoughts and feelings about it all... but there's nothing new to say so we don't say much. Glassy... smooth....still. Things aren't quite so raw and hurtful this way but it's scary nonetheless. I recognize this stage. I've been here before. This is the stage we are in when Amos ( historically) starts looking at porn again. I can't survive the raw pain anymore, but neither can I go quietly into this cycle yet again. I don't want to constantly wave it under his nose, that's hurtful for both of us, but I'm terrified of this cycle. I find I have a quandary.

On the happier side of things, I have hit my Christmas goal. My starting weight on 11/02 was 250. My goal was to hit 230 by Christmas. I did it. I hit my goal on Monday night. And I've lost another pound to boot. I'm now at 229. I started out as a size 22. I'm now on the verge of shrinking out of an 18. I suspect that when I go shopping after Christmas I will need to get a size 16. Yes this is still big. But geez.. it feels soooo good. My new goal is to lose 30 by Easter.  I can't wait to kiss the 200s goodbye forever.

I will be popping in and out through next week. Have patience with me. I'm still checking in with you all but things have recently gotten very busy. I've had some relatives come in from out of town. The support group I have found here in the blogging realm has become quite important to me. I think of you all and wish all of you the very best.

If I don't get to post again before Christmas...

MERRY CHRISTMAS!