For the past few days Amos and I have been edging ever closer to our "new normal." Whatever that may be. There are more laughs, more touches, and more flirts. We still talk about pornography and self confidence and romance, but the emotions that follow are not quite so exhausting. The conversations are definitely still draining but they don't leave me wanting to snatch up the kids and run away. Instead they give me hope. I can see that Amos is trying to confront his addiction and recognize cycles and piece himself, and "us", back together again. I can survive anything if I know I'm not doing it alone, and I finally believe that I'm not so alone anymore. Is trust restored? No. Is he still an addict? Yes. Am I still self conscious about my body? Yes. Do I still cry? Yes. Is everything perfect? No. But we've taken that first step and I'm ready to go as long as is necessary. I'm not a perfect wife. I'm overly sensitive. I can be ugly and hateful. I'm not as gracious as I should be. But I'm trying. And so is Amos. And that's a start.
Will this time be different? Are things going to change? Dare I hope?
Today's Happy Thought:
You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done...
Genesis 50:20
I love that verse.
ReplyDeleteI have hope.
Yay!
ReplyDeleteI just found this through Jill's site. I will be reading ... it took me years and years to "find out". Then it was years more before I "found out" again. Then just a couple of months ago I "found out" yet again. Thirty-seven years of marriage ... but I love him. As you said in one post, we are both sinners ... I cannot claim to be perfect by any means. If I am not perfect, I can't expect him to be.
ReplyDeleteWe are opposite from you two though ... he is the emotional one and I am very unemotional. I think that is why perhaps I haven't struggled in quite the same way as you. It hurts, yes, and I try to help him overcome this addition for sure, but I don't even consider leaving him. We have been through too much. He is still my best friend, warts and all. Am I confident sexually ... ABSOLUTELY NOT! Could I do without it entirely ... you bet. It is the hardest thing in my life and he knows it. I feel very uncomfortable not knowing what he is thinking about. I feel like I am being compared with who knows how many, very young, beautiful women. I turn off the light before I disrobe. I am not seriously overweight ... maybe 20 pounds or so, but I am 54, not 18. Fifty-four looks very different, let me tell you! Still, I press on.
Have courage my new friend with whom I can truly relate. We can do this with God's help.
Thank you Sue. Can I ask if you've found any helpful practices in your struggle?
ReplyDeleteWell, I guess the best thing I can tell you is that I give him my trust over and over.
ReplyDeleteWe went to marriage counseling years ago with the author of "Reconcilable Differences" ... Jim Talley. He was a pastor at our church in California at the time. Anyway, he had some super good points that made all the difference in the world to both of us. Now mind you, the counseling had nothing to do with porn. I am not sure I even knew it was a problem at the time. Anyway, one of the things that stuck with me/us through the years has been that the only person you can "fix" is yourself. You have to open yourself up to the Lord and ask Him to change YOU. Your spouse will have no choice in the long run to react differently in some way, as they are now reacting to someone different. If you focus entirely on what HE needs to do, you won't get anywhere I promise you. Our issues at the time were completely different, but during a marriage conference we were asked to rate our marriage separately. He gave it a B+ or an A- (I can't remember which) and I gave it a D. He was shocked, but it was a wake up call for him and he was willing to seek counseling. All of us have the tendency to say "Yes, I know I make mistakes too, but HE ... (or she)!" In other words, if the other person will only do or not do (you fill in the blank), then I would be able to do or not do (blank again). It simply doesn't work that way. We have to take responsibility for our actions and thoughts and leave the rest to God.
It took a lot of work and time ... this was 20 years or more ago now ... and if you would have told me at the time that I would eventually be able to say my husband is my best friend, I probably would have laughed and then cried. That is what I wanted, but I never thought it could happen.
Well it did. Things aren't perfect and they never will be. He has an addiction, and I myself still have things I have to work on. But I don't expect him to change in order for me to love him now. I accept him and love him in spite of the problems. The fact the love is an action and not a feeling means more to me now. God has blessed that.
This may be rambling ... I don't know ... it is hard to explain. I hope it helps. Perhaps we can "talk" more. I am certainly willing.
Sue, out of all of that I locked on to one of the first things you said " I give him my trust over and over." How do you do that? That absolutly has me frozen. I try. I really do. But my mind is constantly questioning him. Always.
ReplyDeleteI am absolutely sure you are trying. Perhaps that is the problem. None of us can do anything in our own strength. We just have to keep giving it to the Lord, over and over if necessary. I think it is sort of like what I heard a pastor preach once about forgiveness. One may not FEEL like forgiving someone, but it is a command, so we choose to forgive (let them off our hook) today and then tomorrow and then the next day, etc., until it becomes a reality that no longer needs addressing.
ReplyDeleteIn this particular situation, the reality is that it may come up again ... it is a difficult thing for the guys to get past I think ... it truly is an addiction, which doesn't go away overnight. Just like AA, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You don't just stop overnight ... it takes lots of time and counseling and accountability aside from a supernatural miracle of God.
The only thing accomplished by the constant questioning and worrying is to heighten your stress level. It really doesn't solve the problem. Until the Lord brings your husband to the point where he is willing to constantly turn this over to Him and fight against the enemy when the temptation comes, it will be something you have to deal with. Can you, with the Lord's help of course, continue to forgive his failings? Something that helped me years ago was when I stopped seeing my husband's sin as worse than my own. It isn't ... really truly. We humans are the ones who categorize sin.
If we keep on posting way back on the 16th, it will eventually be hard to find. Would you like to connect on FB or by e-mail? Just let me know.
God bless you as you seek His face.