Tonight we are having our second counseling session. I am dreading this. It's like getting a pap smear. You know you have to. It's uncomfortable and embarrassing, but it could save your life so you grit your teeth and do it. Counseling is the same way. I don't like crying. I REALLY don't like crying in front of strangers but I'm so raw and broken that I know I will anyway. I'm not sure what I think of our counselor. She's very nice. She pretty much had me nailed right when I walked through the door. She knows what I want/need from Amos. She's doing Christian counseling, which is important to me. Her office is comfortable and discreet. The only real complaint I have is that she was very leading. She would look to Amos and say "Why don't you tell her such and such." And then Amos would. And then she'd look to me and ask how it made me feel. Really? You just forced him to say it? Should I get warm and tinglely at forced communication? I did think that it was interesting that we actually did not talk about the porn addiction nearly as much as I thought we would. We talked alot about disconnection and emotional needs. Ah well. Let's see what round two has to offer.
As I've mentioned before, I'm on a mission to be healthy. This requires dropping some weight. A lot of it. In the past 7 weeks, I've dropped 19 lbs. This was a conversation I had with my father-in-law this weekend...
HIM: So you're down 19 pounds now?
ME: Yep.
HIM: Your goal is 20?
ME: Yes. My goal is 20 before Christmas. After Christmas, I want to lose another 30 by the end of April.
HIM: (looks me over from top to bottom) You can't do it.
ME: Yes I can. My overall goal is to lose another 100 pounds by December 11 2011.
HIM: (chuckles. Yes he laughed at me. ) You'll never do it. You can't.
ME: I've been 130 before.
HIM. (disbelieving) Really?! When?
ME: The year before I married Amos I was 128.
HIM: (Laugh) No. You can't do it.
Okay. My FIL is a jerk. I love him. He loves my kids and he would do anything for them. But seriously, he's a jerk. He's not all that easy to like. I've learned to let his comments roll off my back but this was just bad timing. Here I am, feeling sexually rejected and emotionally broken and I'm taking healthy measures to heal my body and you're going to tell me "you can't"? You're going to laugh at me? After I left I called my husband and vented my frustration to him. Amos then called his father. He told my father-in-law that he was not to tell me that I "can't" do anything. Amos told him he was not to speak to his wife that way. Can I just say that I love that he did that? Amos is not a fighter. I am. I will not allow anyone I love to be ,what I perceive to be, verbally abused. It's my nature to be protective. It's Amos' nature to be laid back. Amos has taken alot of flack from his father. Certainly far worse than my very minor altercation. But because his father dared to hurt his wife, he took action. This went a long way towards showing me how much he loves me. What woman among us does not enjoy her knight in shining armor? I do. Thank you for that Amos.
Here's a little tidbit for you.
My name is not really Esther. You already knew that though, didn't you? If you know the biblical story of Esther, you probably think you know why I chose her as my namesake.
Esther was chosen by King Xerxes as the most beautiful woman in his kingdom and so he married her. Esther was a bombshell. She was the embodiment of beauty, wisdom, and courage. I am not. I certainly don't feel that way. I feel ugly and naive and cowardly. Of course I would pick Esther for my namesake, she is what I strive to be. Right? Wrong.
When I was twenty or so I was struggling spiritually. Not my faith. As I have mentioned before, faith is my strong point. No. It was loneliness. I was dating a guy that was ...just....a bad judgement call on my part. And my friends were wonderful, but they drank alot. Lots of parties. So I drank too. Eventually I tired of it. I wanted Christian fellowship. Someone who would support me in the straight and narrow. How do I find people like that?
I was attending college at the time and I lived an hour from where I grew up. I started going to a church back home that I had went to often as a child. There were many people my age there and I was hungry for it. This church happened to have recently gotten a new pastor. I'll even tell you his real name. Brother Ron. Brother Ron started having prayer services three or four evenings a week. I went to them. During these prayer services, everyone would gather around the alter and hold hands and sing in worship. Innocent enough, yes? But then it progressed. The lights started being turned off. There were people there who started talking in tongues. There was prophecy. Then people started dropping like flies getting "slain in the spirit." These were people I had known my whole life. People I loved and trusted. I would kneel at the alter and cry out to God because these things were not happening to me. I was not being given the gifts that these other people were. One day, as I was crying, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked up and there was Brother Ron praying over me. He began talking in tongues and praying. I stood up and waited. After a few minutes, he told me that God had revealed to him that I should have a new name and my new name would be Esther because I would "enter the king's presence with favor." I had other people pray over me during my time there. One girl said this "You will meet a new boy, You will meet him in his car. His name will be Michael. He's the one for you!" Okay, so I met a guy who was super sweet. The first time I ever saw him was in my car. His name was Michael. I told no one. NO ONE. My discernment finally started kicking in about this time. Michael was not Christian. He was sweet. He was cute. But he was NOT who God had chosen for me. There was absolutely no doubt. He was pretty much a drunk, he swore like a sailor, and he didn't believe in God. This guy was NOT the one. At another prayer meeting I heard someone prophesy that He would send "cupid" to unite people. Does that send off any warning bells in anyone else's head? It did for me. God... the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is going to send pagan gods to do his bidding on earth? That sounds a little more satanic than godly to me. That was the end for me. I was done. Let me say here that I DO believe that God bestows the gift of prophesy and of tongues but I KNOW that although there was something moving in that church, it wasn't God. And it was nowhere I wanted to be. So I chose the name Esther not because she's my idol, but to remind me to seek God's will first. To be discerning. To listen to that still small voice.
On a side note, Brother Ron was voted out of the church. A prophesy was said over him that God wanted Brother Ron to be with another woman... not his wife. So Brother Ron and this other lady left their spouses (not divorce them, just left them) and ran off to live in sin together. How godly of them.
Finally, I leave you with this song. It speaks to me. It is a man's cry to God to help him be strong for his family.
Prophecy does not say who, when or where in matters of love.
ReplyDeleteSomeone did this to someone else I knew and it ruined, literally destroyed their relationship. She couldn't handle the pressure of this boyfriend "being the one", he didn't feel ready to commit to a girl who was so flighty, flirty, and scared.
And by the way, Esther is perfect for you. You are wise. Look at how you knew to get out of a bad situation before it turned worse.
You are beautiful, you have a gorgeous soul (I haven't seen you, so I can't comment on your features) that is strong, you haven't given up, you glow through your words with Gods love and his grace.
You have courage. So much that it flows out of you and into your marriage. Your husband picked up on your strength and bravery and stood up for you.
You are a literal wealth of Gods gifts, you flow and surge like a river after a heavy rain, everything you touch is effected by your presence, you leave your mark and are overflowing with the Lords favor.
You are the Esther of this generation, do not ever doubt yourself because you can do anything, everything you set your mind to. You are stronger than you have discovered or give yourself credit for.
God Bless you.
Ok. This might turn into a novel. There is so much I want to comment on.
ReplyDelete1. I'm glad that you are going to stick with the counseling. Give it some time, and if she still doesn't feel like a good fit for you guys, try someone new.
2. Funny story, Carla and I had to look up the story of Esther in the Bible to try to figure you out! We also looked up the story of Amos. We already knew the stories of Ruth and Peter.
3. I dont' know you, but I feel like you may have the gift of discernment. It takes a lot for someone to be able to see that a church like that has something moving- but not God.
4. You can lose weight- and you will. It's super hard. I've been there....done that....but you can and you will. Know that your friends here on your blog are encouraging you and praying for you!
5. I'm so thankful that Amos talked to his father about what he said. When I read that, I wanted to pat him on the back and tell him what a great and kind gesture that was for you.
6. I got to meet Matt Hammitt (Sanctus Real's lead singer) and his wife and baby boy Bowen. Bowen was born with the same heart defect that Joshua had. We spent an entire day with Matt and Sarah. I am going to be going out to their house in the next few weeks to help them with their girls and whatever else they may need to make life a little less hectic for them.
7. I wish i knew you better. I feel like if I knew you in real life we would be friends. I feel like me, you, carla, and our bajillions of kids would spend many afternoons hanging out together...Just thought you would like to know that. :o)
8. Keep up the good fight. God always comes out victorious. I am trusting in that for you and your marriage!
Okay, since Jill did a list, I'm doing one too. So here goes...and since I'm a bit competitive, I'm going to do more than 8 points, just because I gotta one up Jill. :) hehe.
ReplyDelete1. When we started going to counseling...we didn't talk about the affair. We talked about Jose's childhood. A LOT. And we had a dude shrink. Eventually, it came full circle and we saw some of the real underlying problems.
2. When she tells Amos to say something and he says it and she asks you how it makes you feel...be honest. Say, "It didn't make me feel better because you made him say it. If he said things like this at home, of his own free will, because he wants to, I would probably feel _____." That shows her that initiative is part of the problem and shows him that he still has a chance and basically spells out what you would like him to do.
3. I think I've said it before, but GO YOU! for dropping the weight and continuing to do so. Jill had gotten pretty hot herself before getting preggo again with Joshua. As for me, I just gave up after preganacy. I would love to do it. Love to lose the weight. But I also love food. Jill and I have made many jokes about being big girls with big appetites! Maybe I'll let you inspire me...
4. I understand family. And how much they can suck. Just a tidbit for you to know...my MIL basically referred to me as "the whore" (in Spanish, of course) for the first year or so that I dated my husband. It says a lot about her...and about my husband. Somewhere around the year mark, she figured it out that I was around to stay and decided to learn my name.
5. Jill and I really did research Esther. And Amos. :) Yes, we may be dorks. But, in all honesty, my Bible knowledge is less than superb. I think Bible class in college was my closest class to failing. I love God and He loves me and I have a strong faith, but the theology gets lost on me sometimes.
6. I've never been in a situation as dangerous as the one you had at that church. You truely do have a gift for discernment and thank God that you were able to walk away after seeing their ways that we unGodly. There are many people out there claiming faith that are not truely acting it out properly. I pray every day for God to bless me and allow me to teach people His agenda and not mine.
7. I've spoken to Jill about this, but it's been weighing on my heart to have a blog with multiple authors that focuses on healing after betrayal in a marriage. I would love to have you as one of my bloggers. If you're interested, email me at carlasue476@hotmail.com and I can explain in detail what I'm thinking.
8. I too wish that we could be real life friends. You would love our playdates! And I'm sure our spouses would have a jolly time together, playing wii and shooting billards. One thing that I stress to my husband is hanging out with men that are of faith and will encourage him for betterment instead of taking him down the wrong path.
9. And tell Amos that I say "Awesome Job!" on defending you!
Peach: You have no idea how much I needed those words when you wrote them. Thank you for that. It was perfect. It was one of those things that can turn a horrible day to one that's not quite so bad. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteJill: I'm going to answer you by number :)
ReplyDelete1 - I think I'm going to give it at lease one more go. Probably two. I realize it won't fix immeadiatly, but SOME tangible progress would be nice.
2. - I'll let you in on a secret... Amos has no meaning whatsoever. I was in a hurry and I like "A" names. Mysterious huh? I have often wished I had chosen David for him. David was a man after God's own heart but David betrayed Him for his own flesh with Bathsheba. David later truely and honestly repented. I have often mentally compared Amos with David.
3.- I feel I have always had that gift to some degree but after the episode with this particular church I prayed for it almost daily. I greatly underestimated the power of discernment. Greatly. It's now with great hesitation and soul searching that I confront situations like these. Although I didn't know it at the time, it can be dangerous.
4. - Thank you! It's good to have someone to celebrate with. Amos has been a great support to me as well. He has a very thin line to walk. He wants to encourage me to work out and eat well, but he doesn't want it to come across as though he is anxiously awaiting a newer skinnier "Esther." He has done superbly in that regard.
5.- Men have no idea just how much we girls like that whole "knight in shining armor" bit. It was fabulous and I made certain to tell him
6. - That's awesome! This particular song has definitly touched me. Has baby Bowen had his surgeries? Is he well? Forgive my ignorance on the topic...
7. - I have wondered the same. Finding Christian fellowship where I live is challenging to say the least. Almost enough to make me wish I lived in TX. :o)
8. - Thanks! We'll make it. Wether we make it with our sanity intact has yet to be determined but we'll make it.
Carla:
ReplyDelete1.- Out of curiousity, how long did you go to counseling and how long before you felt like progress was being made?
2.- I told her this last session (on Monday) and she promised she'd back off from it for a while. She also made it sound like she'd come back to it again because apparently it's supposed to one day spark some emotion in me. We'll see.
3.- I also love food. Wanna hear something heinous? When I was pregnant I would buy two family sized rolls of chocolate chip cookie dough. One to bake. And one to eat raw. Over the course of the next two weeks I would. I'm paying dearly for that now. My choice to do this was so I would be able to go swimming with my kids without feeling like a beached whale. To be able to keep up with them when I take them to the park. To be able to hike mountains with Amos. To be able to ride bikes together. I'm competitive and I want to keep up. I want to win. I like your last line "Maybe I'll let you inspire me..." It meshes perfectly with what I was going through. I eventually figured out that you have to allow yourself to be inspired by something. So for me it was my kids.
4. - Holy Cow. The whore??? What kind of relationship do you have together now? That's the kind of damage that's hard to undo. Thankfully no one's ever treated me that badly!
5.- If you researched Amos, you probably know more about him than I do. As I told Jill, that was a fluke. What I know about Amos couldn't even fill a paragraph. I know my bible stories and I feel like I have an okay hold on the heart of God but my scripture references are horrid. Amos could run circles around me in the Bible Trivia Ring of Death. It's sad.
6.- They got rid of the pastor eventually, but the church itsself, and the members, still have prayer services. It's borderline witchcraft dressed up to look pretty. There's definitly something at work there. Definitly not God.
7.- You'll definitly get an email from me soon to find out more. I think a blog like that could be helpful to so many people. This is a very lonely time in life.
8- Amos loves pool. He's more of an xbox guy than a wii guy but he enjoys video games all the same. I married a computer dork. A really cute computer dork. Like I said earlier, it's hard to have christian fellowship where we live so that sounds absolutly wonderful. It makes me miss home.
9.- Amos checks in on this blog occasionally. No secrets in my house. He probably read it for himself ;o)
Can I just say that I think it's HALIRIOUS that you had to one-up Jill. Good stuff!
Esther, I'll two-up Jill now, simply by responding. :) I'll try to keep it short.
ReplyDelete1. We had tri-counseling (me alone, him alone, and us together) for about 3 months...we went weekly. Then we continued a little longer just doing marriage counseling together. We also went back in December for a handful of sessions once the "other chick" had her baby. I'm not sure if there was ever a point where it clicked and I realized it was working, but things slowly changed for the better.
2. Glad she was understanding.
3. My thing is, I really don't eat a ton, so I think its more metabolism (and lazyness) than anything. I eat, don't get me wrong, but it's like the coffee for breakfast, a snack for lunch, a huge dinner, and something late at night. I am definately wanting to do something, but just don't even know where to start...
4. Yea. The MIL is different. We don't really have a relationship. But it's not a huge deal because my husband barely has a relationship with her. She moved to Texas over the Thanksgiving holiday and we haven't spoken to her since. My hubs has no idea where she is or how to reach her.
5. Yea, I also have the worst memory in the world, so I forgot what I learned doing "Amos" research!
6. It's sad when there are churches like that that make all faith look bad. :(
7. Funny, because that's the exact words I told Jill..."It's so lonely." I remember getting online when I first found out about the affair and finding NOTHING encouraging. I want to change that.
8. We have a pool table. :) Ya'll should move this way. Then you could hang with Jill and I. :)
9. Let me make sure he notices then: AMOS, YOU ROCK FOR STICKING UP FOR ESTHER!
Have a wonderful night babe! :)
2.
Carla- you are a jerk. BOOYA! IN YOUR FACE!
ReplyDeletethat's all i have to say about that!
sorry for hijacking your comments esther! :o)
ps. it took you 2 weeks to finish off the raw dough?! it only takes me a few days....3 tops! how's that for horrid!?