SUDS

I wasn't planning on making another post today but I happened upon a site that resonated with me.

It breaks down the cycle of  porn addiction .  I am currently trying to recognize the signs. It's much harder to recognize these things in someone else. I don't know Amos's thoughts and feelings as well as I know my own so I find it difficult to pinpoint where we are on the cycle. But I have a guess.

SUDS - Seemingly Unimportant Decisions.  One of the examples given is checking email. It seems unimportant, but it's the first step in getting you to sit in front of the computer. And once your in front of that computer, a whole new set of decisions. Why not avoid having to make those decisions to begin with ?  To me, this is one of those "No sh*t, Sherlock!" moments. To Amos, not so much. I cannot begin to tell you how many conversations we've had about this.

For the past couple of years, his primary porn browsing time has been in the quiet of the morning before work while I was still in bed. He would get online to check his email before work and then afterwards, if the urge struck him, he'd spend some time viewing naked women. If my report was any indication of the past few years, the urge struck him often. A few months ago, when this all came to light, I was devastated. And frantic to make it stop.  As a way to combat this, I put a lock on the computer. I changed the password frequently so that if he did break the code, at least he wouldn't know it for long. And he did try. It hurts me that he tried to get on the computer even after apologizing and promising me that he wouldn't. A couple of weeks ago I took off the password. I did this to indicate to him that I was trying to trust him again. I was trusting him to stay off of the computer (only when alone) without any interference from me. He really hates this. He says he's done with porn forever. In his mind that's the end of that. That's all that I should think about and there's no reason to worry. Of course I still do. Getting caught doesn't cure addiction. He's still an addict. And the past dictates that we tread carefully. We avoid the things that could set the stage for failure. He doesn't see it as an attempt to avoid porn in the future. He sees it as me trying to control the situation.

Which brings me back to SUDS. This morning, while I slept, my husband turned on the computer...sat down... and checked his email. That's all. Just checked his email. I'm hurt. I'm angry too, but mostly hurt. He promised he'd stay off the computer unless I was awake and downstairs with him. To him, it's no big deal. To me, it's SUDS. He said he wouldn't do it again but that's not really good enough, is it? I don't want him to avoid checking his email just because his crazy controlling wife is having security issues. I want him to avoid this situation because he wants to be pure. I feel like I'm dragging him every step of the way. He's not necessarily fighting me on these things, but he's doing it for the wrong reasons. He's doing it to keep me calm. That won't fix anything, he'll just eventually grow to resent me.

Ah. Another jumbled mess of thoughts. I loathe the thought that we might be back in this cycle. And I'm terrified that we are. And it's devestating to be the only one who sees it.