Reasons to Smile

Yesterday Amos and I had a counseling appointment. During the appointment there was some talk about divorce. Not about me wanting it, but about him being scared of it. We talked about it a bit more after we left. Not a lot. There was no fights or any harsh words of any kind. We discussed scenarios that would have to happen for me to leave.  The night went on. And then I slept.

I had dreams last night. Lots and lots of dreams. 

It was like my head was creating scenarios that would force me to divorce him. It was like reliving broken heart after broken heart after broken heart. Exhausting.

When I woke up I spent 10 minutes just laying there convincing myself that they were dreams... just dreams. He didn't actually do those things and I never said those things and my kids never saw those things.

I basically gave my pep talk. Reasons to smile.

I have a nice house.

I have warm clothes.

I have plenty of food.

Good food. This is my FAVORITE pie. I've made it a handful of times and I've had it made for me a handful of times and Sweet Heavenly Father... it's good. It's a Black Raspberry Cream pie and it is WONDERFUL. And as far as pies go, it's not THAT horrible for you. IF you schedule your meals carefully and show restraint, you can work this dessert into your supper. The recipe is here. My problem is that I don't show restraint. I MUST lick the bowl and spoon and I MUST have half a pie per sitting. So it's going to be a minute before I make another one of these bad boys.

My weight loss plateau is over. I've been bouncing around between 217-220 since the surgery and it was getting extremely discouraging. I'm now at a 214. This is how much I weighed when I got pregnant with Ruth meaning this is my lowest weight in nearly three years. I'm a size 16 which is, although still big, much better than a 24. It's a loss. And I'll take it. I made a personal goal for myself to be below 200 by Easter. I can do it. I KNOW it.

I'm not alone.

These are the flowers that were given to me by my sister-in-law when I was having a rough day last week.  It's easy for me to feel alone and lonely out here without my family and friends but this gesture was special to me and certainly a reason to smile.

I have a husband who loves me and thinks I'm worth fighting for.  Yeah, I know that some of you would argue that comment, but it's true.  We were talking about counseling last night and if we were going to continue. He's made no secret that he doesn't enjoy it (who would? I don't.) but he's also said "If you want me to stand in a bucket of ice water with a tuna fish on my head... I will." And he means it. He's taking his lead from me and will do anything I think is necessary to help our marriage.

I have my health.  Yeah okay, aside from the disgusting 84 pound blob of  extra weight that has taken up residence in my body, I'm healthy. I am 28 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. And life is what I choose to make it.

And finally... My kids. My loves. My heartbeat.

My Artist.

She is perfect. She is smart. She is tiny. She is two. I adore her. I realize I am going to sound like a conceited mama, but I don't care. Everyone loves her. She is a charmer. Strangers stop just to urge a little grin out of her. She'll change someone's life one day. Just wait.

My Chunk.

He usually smells a little... off. He almost always gets his shirt dirty before I'm done putting it on him. He weighs about five pounds more than he should. And he, too, is perfect. Ten tiny fingers, ten tiny toes, and one stunning smile. He's so laid back and mellow. He coo's and goo's and giggles and he has his mama and daddy utterly enchanted.

My day will not be dictated by a few imaginary bad dreams. I have reasons to smile. And today, I will.