Thursday, February 3, 2011

What to say?

I am at a loss. I don't know what to say. We are dancing a dangerous dance, Amos and I. Nerves are raw and wounds are fresh. I am suspecious. I believe he is lieing to me.

Last night I awoke to the movement of the bed shaking in a rythmic motion. I felt his arm moving. I could hear his breathing. He was masturbating. I said his name sharply and he stopped, but said nothing.

"Amos, what are you doing?"
"I don't know. I was asleep."
"You were asleep?"
"Yes."

I watched him get up and out of bed and I could see that I was right. He was definatly "ready."  Please don't think I'm being crude. It's not my intent. I only wish to convey the situation as I expirienced it. He came back to bed and put his arms around me. This morning he sticks to his guns. He says he must have been having an exciting dream but he doesn't remember the dream and he doesn't remember masturbating. I don't believe him. I think he masturbates and lies to be about it, but short of following him around and smacking him when he reaches for his zipper there's nothing I can do about it.

 I caught him in the act once. About six months ago.  Have I told you? It went something like this.

We lay in bed and I was drifting off to sleep and I felt the bed move. Just as I did last night. I lay still for a few seconds thinking that there's no way he would have the gall to do it right next to me. No way. Eventually he became still. I rolled over to reach for him and he jerked away from me. When I asked where he was going he mumbled something about being tired. I asked him then "Amos, are you sure you havent mastubated at all? You havent lied to me?" He assured me that he hadn't lied. Then I asked him again "Are you sure you werent masturbating just a second ago?" Then he confessed but only after he was sure he couldn't weasel his way out of  it. The actions of a coward.  With this little jewel fresh in my mind it's no wonder that I don't believe that he was sleep-masturbating last night. Would you?

There's a constant doubt lingering in my head. A fog that I can't escape. It taints everything and makes me bitter and raw. I see devious motives and plans where there certainly aren't any. I have trouble discerning the difference between what really is a lie and what is probably not a lie. Am I a fool?

Men need sex. Or so I'm told. I'm told that it is a physical need for them, just as water is a need. In that spirit I told Amos that we would make an effort to have sex more often.  That on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays we would make a concious effort to come together at night. My hope in this is that perhaps this would also inspire romance. It hasn't. He did leave me a note yesterday saying "Thanks for making the pie. I love you!" While it's nice to be thanked and the note is a sweet gesture, it's not romantic. I'm starved. How long must I give before I get? Is it selfish to want it? To cry over it? To dream of it?

What to say?

10 comments:

  1. No, it's not selfish at all. I go through this every day with Drummer.

    My belief is that the goal of the spouse is to be selfish for you. You put them first and they put you first. In a perfect marriage that is how both people are fulfilled without one starving for their needs more than the other.

    My husband cheated on me in 2009. That was also the last year he masturbated, the last year he hurt me in that way. It's 2011 and we're still struggling to "come together" more than just physically (we don't even do that anymore). I cry every night. Selfish tears? Yes, but only because they have to be.

    I'm praying for you two, I am so heartbroken for you, because I know the pain of being left to starve while he is fulfilled by you and selfish for himself at the same time. I'm heartbroken for him because he's destroying the trusting, loving gracious person inside of you he never really allowed himself to know.

    Here's to our marriages being repaired, fixed and healed in Jesus name. Here's to our hearts mended and brought back together, in Jesus' name, and here's to our spouses, that they feel the pull of Gods calling on their hearts, minds and lives to be the husbands and fathers they were called to be in Jesus' name. May all addiction and sinful urges, may all the whispering demons be cast from our lives in the name of Christ Jesus.

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  2. I have nothing of worth to value- simply because I'm not sure what to say or even if saying anything would be appropriate. My heart aches for you and Amos. I wish it didn't have to be this way for you guys.

    I've missed hearing from you, and I'm glad that you have started posting again.

    Much love.

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  3. I'm in same boat of not knowing if I have much of anything worthy to say. As you know, my husband and my marital bed has been to hell and back, similarly to Peach. When your husband has sex with someone else and gets them pregnant, there are a whole lot of issues to work through. And with our awful pasts of sexual abuses, fears, struggles, etc....I just don't know.

    Hang in there. Keep communicating. Keep talking. Keep blogging and working through your feelings. And know that we are here, even if only online, for you.

    *hugs*

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  4. I feel terrible for what you are going through, but being honest, you have to be aware that Amos is masterbating more often then you think. He just happened to get caught that night. Same with Peach. To think a man is not masterbating is unbelievable as I heard they physically have pain if they do not ejaculate (sorry to be so bold). On the opposite side, to only set aside certain days when you are to be 'available' to him for intimacy, that may be putting to much pressure on him. Have you tried just to be available for him on one night, in lingerie in bed waiting? As much as you want him to meet you, you have to be willing to meet him. Or at least not be so naive to think he is not masterbating while you are sleeping or while he is in the shower. Only hoping while he is doing that, he is thinking of you.

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  5. Brenda,

    Thanks for your comment!

    I may have not said this clearly but I DO think Amos is lieing to me about masturbation. I said as much in my post and I wasn't only referring to that night. That night just happens to be when I saw it in action (although in all fairness he INSISTS that he was unaware and has not masturbated).

    The physical pain they are in when they're don't ejaculate is true... to an extent. While it can get uncomfortable, it's not a horrible pain (this tidbit came from a conversation once had with Amos). Men become aroused all the time. It's part of their biology. If your co-worker gets aroused would you expect him to take care of himself in the restroom at work just because it's uncomfortable? Of course not. Same concept. I understand it won't/isn't easy but it's doable nonetheless. To say men are incapable of lasting without masturbation is an injustice to them. You are, in essence, saying than man is ruled by his penis (geez. I think it's time to put a content advisory on this blog!). I can't just sit back and say "Well I hope he's at least thinking of me." I will not sit in silent acceptance of lies and sexual betrayal within my marriage. I was not created to be quite so obligeing.

    As far as meeting him halfway and being available to him, I think I may have misworded this in my post and for that I apologize. I am not "only" available on T/TH/SAT/SUN... I am available at all times but because we keep hitting and missing with our different sleep schedules and such, these are the days that we are making a special effort to come together. Making room in our day even if the kitchen needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done. It's certainly not the only time we are available to one another.

    Ah the lingerie idea. There was a time I used to dream of doing these kinds of things for him. He has told me MULTIPLE times that he doesn't give a flip about lingerie. Not only that, but by body image could no longer sustain it. Here's why... I once asked him what part of my body he noticed my weight gain the most in... He started at my head and worked his way down. I once told him I was going to make him a set of boudoir portraits of myself to give him but hadn't got around to it yet. He told me he was glad that I didn't do it. Yes that's right. I'm the only woman on the planet unable to intice a porn addict to look at naughty pictures of her. There's been more, but I'll spare you. You get the idea. I'm staying. I'm working through this addiction with him. I'm making it a special point to meet his sexual needs all the while doing so 1500 miles from home. I'd say I'm meeting him halfway.

    Mostly here's my situation... My heart doesn't believe that he's not masturbating. But he over and over has told me that he's not and in the spirit of forgiveness and healing, I am choosing to trust that he tells me the truth. I have no other option. He is worth fighting for and as long as he is going to counseling and looking for group meetings and reading books and over all just TRYING to kill his addiction, I will fight for him. Even if it means making a fool of myself when it's all said and done. And that might be exactly what happens, but then again... it might not.

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  6. I have pain for you in my heart that your husband blantanly told you he would not enjoy boudoir pics of you. I have pain that you still believe him and continue to forgive him and still think he is going to change. He has such power over you and knows that no matter what he does, via in his mind, online, phone, or in person, that you will forgive and try again. I feel pain that you think you are not worthy and believe this marriage is worth saving when he is doing the ultimate betrayal. Yes, your readers do not know the whole relationship, but from what we are seeing, he is not changing. And you have given him way to many chances. I know you have no idea who I am or probably care less of my opinion, but as a 'plus size' woman myself, its hard enough on our ego when society puts us down, we do not need our spouse to. And we certainly do not need them to be looking at porn any lying to us about it. Maybe he feels that he has you trapped and that you won't leave him because he is lowering your self esteem so much you assume nobody will want you other than him? Either way, I feel for you and your children that are witnessing this. Your children are victims too as they see the lack of love and intimacy. Best of luck.

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  7. Thanks for your thoughts brenda, and to you other ladies as well!

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  8. So, I just caught up on the comment side of this post and want to give my two (or ten) cents.

    So often, sex isn't about sex. And porn isn't about sex. And mastrubation isn't just about sex either. As a psych major, let's be honest.

    I am a chubby girl too, Esther, as you know. And one of my first thoughts when my husband had the affair was that it was because of me. That I wasn't pleasing him, that I wasn't attractive to him. But that wasn't the case at all. The emotional underlying causes were the reason.

    I'm terribly sorry that Amos has hurt you by saying things about your appearance, but that is not reason enough to give up on him or on your marriage. I think that society is so quick to "throw out" that which is broken and replace it with new and shiny things, husbands included. You will know when to give up and until then, we should offer you nothing but support and our love.

    *hugs*

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  9. I'm not really sure what to say....other than I am thinking of you and sending up prayers. If you have any specific prayer requests, please let us know. Hugs to you, Esther.

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  10. I could have written this post a year ago.

    Honey, I don't know the whole situation...I'm going back to read more now...but it isn't you. It isn't your fault. It isn't "just" sex either...there is a big problem there...and if he continues to lie to you and isn't making the effort to be truthful, it isn't getting better. He was masturbating...you've caught him doing it before...this isn't an "accident".

    Praying for you. Praying that you see that you are worth and deserve so much more. I was with a man for a long time that I put up with, tolerated and I overlooked faults. To my own demise pretty much. Because I thought God wanted me there - because I had been told and taught to love and forgive and trust as Christ did.

    Guess what? Christ may love....but he doesn't let us keep doing the same thing over and over and over without punishment or consequences. He doesn't let us ignore him and refuse to accept him, and then forgive us without being asked first. It's not the way it works.

    We can forgive. We can love. But we DON'T have to stay where it hurts us so much emotionally, physically, spiritually or mentally.

    Took me 4 years, a felony conviction and a nervous breakdown to realize that leaving my husband and getting out of that situation was better for me and exactly what God WANTED from me.

    I hope I'm wrong. I hope I've just caught post from a couple of bad days...but if not...please don't take it lightly. Do your best...but don't stay. Get out. There ARE ways. Get out and don't look back unless there is something MAJOR changed to look back at.

    The lack of REAL relationship between the two of you - is no kind of example to set for your children. They ARE better off with you apart and you healthy emotionally and physically than they are with you together and miserable.

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