Dearest Anon...

Okay I've been silent for quite some time ... I still draw strength from your comments and take an interest in your lives. I'm just trying not to dwell on the bad.

HOWEVER....

A comment was left today that I find I cannot ignore. I would have just replied to the commentor as a comment myself, but I wanted to make sure they see it. So we'll just make a post about it. 


The Comment:

Anonymous said...

I've been following your blog for a long time and this post really made me see things in a whole new light.

Let me start off by saying that I KNOW what it's like to have a husband who is into porn. I know the pain it causes. It destroys your self esteem. Porn is a terrible thing.

So is nagging.

You are so desperately trying to change your husband and turn him into someone he is not. He is obviously not in a place where he WANTS to break his addiction. You can't force an addict to come clean. They have to want it. Clearly Amos doesn't want it. He says he wants to change, but he never does. At some point you have to wash your hands of it, and either leave, or accept that he occasionally likes to look at porn (which isn't really an addiction if he is only looking on the RARE occasion)

I can guarantee Amos doesn't see you as a strong, confident woman. He sees you as a nagging wife who won't just leave him alone. If it's not the porn it's him taking off for a few hours. If it's not that it's him picking his sister in law to cook instead of you. It's like nothing he ever does is good enough.

If I were a man and my wife nagged me as much as you nag Amos I'd either be cheating on her in the hopes that she finds out and it destroys her, or I'd just leave.

I know you're just trying to save your marriage, but have you stepped back and thought that maybe it's not worth saving? You're spending years of your life hurting...is it worth it? What if this lasts another 10 years and one of you finally decide to end it, will you look back and regret that you wasted so many years trying to make Amos something he's not?

The Reply:

Anon...

Holy... Wow. Just Wow.

I can swallow your entire comment as constructive critisim... except for this jewel...

"If I were a man and my wife nagged me as much as you nag Amos I'd either be cheating on her in the hopes that she finds out and it destroys her, or I'd just leave."

What were you thinking? Seriously? Did you walk away after making that comment and feel proud about it? Did you say that and think "Well there's some advice you can take to the bank!"  What is wrong with you? Have you stepped back and realized what it is you're reading? You're reading one side of a many faceted story from a very sad and very raw woman. And after hearing one side of one story you think you have the phenomonal insight to sit back and say my marriage isn't worth fighting for? That if you were my husband you'd walk out or cheat on me?  You truely think you're that wise?

Let me be clear here.. You have no clue, no idea, no way to even fathom what my marriage is like as a whole. 

As you read this blog there are a couple of things you have to remember...

First is that it's a place to vent. I don't talk about the good times because I don't need a venting place in the good times, I need one in the bad times. So the bad times are what I post.

Second... this has been building up for YEARS. You're watching the volcano erupt, you weren't there for the years of the agonizing heat building up.

Think of it this way....

Take your nails and rub them down your arm. Not a big deal right? Maybe you have long nails and it isn't the most pleasant sensation, but nothing to think twice about.

Now, take a piece of sandpaper and rub your arm vigorously for 20 minutes or so. Heck, even 10 minutes. At this point, your skin is red and angry and raw. Now take your nails and rub them down your skin again.

Suddenly the same action gets a whole different reaction doesnt it? Suddenly running your nails down your arm is more than uncomfortable... it's painful. It burns, it hurts, and you can feel it long after you're done touching your arm.

This is the state of my marriage. Things that wouldn't have been a big deal 6 years ago have suddenly become incredibly raw. Incredibly emotional.

I will never accept that my husband looks at porn. Why would I do that? Why would I be okay letting my husband jack off to the thought of another woman? Why would I knowingly let him have sex with me while he is imagining I'm someone else? Why would I set that example for my daughter? My son?  I will not live that way and wether you see it as confidence or nagging is up to you, but our marriage will meet the standards that WE set for it. No one elses. Even if it was "occasionally" that he looked at porn (and by the way... it's NOT. Prior to September he had, by his own estimation, spent about 3 months of our 6 year marriage not looking at porn. It's not that he looks occasionally, it's that he only gets caught occasionally.) I wouldn't stand for that either. Would you let your husband occasionally cheat on you? Or hit you? Or be abusive in any way? No of course not. And neither will I.

I'm all for constructive critisim but.... come on. I fail to see the construction in that bit of critisim.