Strike 2

I apologize for the detour in my last post. Hopefully we can get back on track today...

Life was rocky after I discovered Amos's dirty little secret. I felt ugly and naive and more than a little unloved. Slowly, very very slowly, Amos and I began to rebuild that trust. We rarely talked about porn and the aftermath of that first encounter with it. I would occasionally ask him if he had looked at it. The answer was always no and we then changed topics and moved on with our day.

Two years rolled by. Two years of rebuilding our lives on our new foundation. Trust has been restored and my self confidence, although no where near what it had been, was not in completely lost to me.

Finally, after four years of marriage and one miscarriage, we gave birth to our first baby in Spring of 2008. A girl. You may call her Ruth. At four weeks old I bundled up baby Ruth and hopped a plane to introduce her to my family. Amos stayed home. We had a new baby and a new 3000 square foot home. Someone had to pay the bills. I visited my family for about two blissful weeks. Every night I would talk to Amos. He was often busy and we were unable to talk as often as I liked but I wasn't worried. Before I chose to leave home and visit my family for such a long time, I asked Amos how he felt about it. He assured me that it was okay. I asked him if he thought he could handle being apart that long without looking at porn. He promised me that this would not be a problem. You see where this story is headed don't you?

After I came back home from my trip, life settled back to normal. As normal as it can be with a new baby. I soon became bored during the days and decided to order some books to occupy me. I logged onto eBay and picked some out. Amos was aware I was doing it since I was using his account and was fine with it. His only request was that I wouldn't leave feedback. I thought this was an odd request but I assumed it was because he was a former eBay employee and was very particular. 

I chose a handful of books over the course of a few days and thought all was well. I was wrong. Amos came home from work early one day. Around 10 am or so. He told me to get ready and get baby Ruth ready. He wanted to take me out to lunch. This was EXTREMELY odd. My husband is not a romantic. A fact I mourn regularly, but it's true. I thought it was a wonderful surprise indeed! I prepared myself and baby for our outing and off we went.

On the way to the restaurant we dropped off the baby with Grandma and Grandpa (an even bigger surprise!) and we proceeded to go have a nice lunch. After lunch we went back to the house (without baby) and he made his confession. He had been looking at porn. In fact, he read it to me from a letter he had written that morning at work. It said this:

Esther,

I would much rather tell you all this in person, but I am at work and this is on my mind so I'm going to type it here. It's going to be babble, but I hope you will understand.

Please know that you are the most important thing in my life, even when I fail and it appears otherwise. I value you above anything else. I try not to do anything that would bring joy solely to me. Instead I am to do the things that will make you happy.

I fell Esther. Only one time since this issue last came up. I'm sorry. I violated your trust...Again. I tried to hide it from you, I even lied to you about it when you directly asked. I do not want this to be a habit. I only fell once. I am not perfect. I've been doing really good. I justified it in my mind. I have felt guilty, and even worse than that, I am not confessing from the goodness of my own heart. I am confessing because you are about to discover my failing.

It happened when you left for home with Ruth. When I found out how quickly you were leaving, and how I knew we would be checking Internet history together, I knew that the temptation would be too great. At that moment, I fell. I bought a DVD on eBay the day before you left. The DVD arrived and I watched it. The computer was not involved. I justified it by saying it would fill a void. It did temporarily.

The DVD was destroyed and thrown away before you got home. I haven't looked back or thought of it since. When I bought it I did so using my UserID on eBay. I thought nothing of it. Now that you are using my screen name to buy your books, you are moments away from finding the record or the eBay transaction in the feedback forum.

I don't know if I regret my fall more or if I regret the fact that I probably would not have said anything if you did not use Half.com to buy your books.

When I did it I said to myself, "Amos, you know you will likely get caught, you are stupid for doing this." But I did it anyway. I am sorry. I know you are angry at me. I know you feel I failed you. I know you think I don't love you. I know I have introduced doubt in your mind about my every action since you came home.

Please don't feel that way. I love you honestly and intensely. I just fell, like a child on a bike. I am thinking of you and of Ruth. I am thinking how rotten I am and contrasting that with how good I want to be and how I want you to love me and trust me. I know I let you down...again. How can you trust me?

Please don't leave me. Please. I am completely shaken by this thought. Terrified. Please don't leave me. Please let this be between you and me. Please trust me with Ruth and with my family. I sinned. I am asking for your forgiveness. Please forgive me. Please help me move on. Help me become better. Please don't cry. Please trust me. Hug me with love and trust. I fear you won't be able to trust me. Trust me in that I have no lack of love or attraction for you. My vision for us in the future has not changed. I just fell, just a flat tire on the way.

If you think I should go to come sort of counseling or support group, I will. We will find a way to afford it if you think it would add value. Please let me be a husband and a father. Please love me even though I am not perfect. Please love me. Please comfort me. Please don't leave me. I need you desperately. Nothing can take your place.

We will talk more.
Amos

Aside from name changes to preserve anonymity, the bolded text is precisely as it was written to me.

Pretty convincing eh?

We talked. I cried. Alot. He sounded sincere in his desire to change and I was sincere in my desire to believe him. He promised that everything was open to me. I was free to check the history on the computer, I was free to check his email accounts... anything.

A few weeks later I was doing exactly that. My computer savvy husband had screwed up. He had deleted emails from his inbox and from his "deleted" folder. But he didn't delete them in his "sent" folder.

I came across this email :

Jezebel,

You still alive out there?  If so, shoot me an email.  I havn’t heard from you.  I am at xxx@xxx.com.  My email is changing so I want to make sure you still have it.  What’s been going on this summer for you in MA?

Amos

Pretty innocent email, yes? No.  First I had no idea who Jezebel was. Second, the email he gave her was his work email and an email that I had/have no access to. He had just asked a strange person not to email him at home... Why would he do that?

I dug farther. I found a series of emails starting from the day I came home through the current week. Turns out that this was a 17 year old girl he met via web chat.

There are a whole string of emails, but I'll copy and paste the first one here so you can get the feel for the conversations...

Hi Jezebel,

Thought Iʼd email you now.  You are a kind sweet person.  Thank you for listening to me.  We guys need an ear sometimes--I do anyway.  You are enjoyable, fun, very attractive.  And I know there is even more to you than what I have been introduced to so far.  I hope I can continue to keep you entertained and I hope you find in me some spark that holds your interest.

Tell me a story about your summer plans when you reply, so we have something to talk about!

Amos

Before I go further, let me say that this is very difficult to write about. The things and the kindness he was expressing here are things he did not express to me. Please bear with me as I try to sort through the memories.  I would also like to express that this email is as bad as it got. Yes he continued to flirt with her, but he made no propositions and did nothing illegal. Just flirting. But flirting is enough to break your wife's heart.

The time stamps on these emails indicate that he was up at 3 am writing them. During time he did not have to spare for me. During times he told me he was tired and wished to sleep.

I was furious. I was furious at HIM not at her.  But I did email her. I told her that he was a porn addict and married with a new born daughter and she was best off to go her own way. She agreed.

I could go on and on with the things that were said following this revelation, but I'll hit on the things that effected me most.

These following two things have been things that have given me nightmares over the past two years...

I would be more attractive were I thinner.
It would be easier to be romantic towards me if I were more attractive.

Yes. Amos actually said those things to me. I have awoken crying because I was having dreams that wove themselves around these two thoughts. He has apologized many many times for saying these things but the scar runs deep. You can never un-say something.

We called our Pastor and his wife to come over that day. I couldn't breath for the pain of it. Amos had shown no emotion. None. Until the  pastor showed up and he had to confess to him. You see, Amos is the drummer for the worship team. A confession like this could result in being asked to step down. The tears flowed and flowed when he confessed to our pastor. It was all I could do to keep from slapping him. I felt the tears and the remorse was all for show.  Notice that in his letter was the line "Please let this be between you and me." He feared the loss of his reputation. And he still does I believe.

After many tears and much pain, we decided to try and work it out. So I stayed.

It was months before I let him touch me sexually. And even longer before I let him see me nude. I couldn't bear his touch. I had learned that this was not his first slip-up with porn since our last incident. He had been looking at it pretty consistently since I last caught him. It just took me two years to catch him again. I felt that every time he had touched me since we had been married he was thinking of other, better, women. That he chose to marry me from a lack of options. That I was nothing more to him than someone to lie with and lie to. I felt dirty and ashamed when he touched me. Surely a better woman would have kept her man interested? I had just given birth and my confidence in my body was at an all time low. I hated to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn't do it without crying. Why would I let him see me when he had already proved to be judgemental of the only gift I had to offer him.... myself?

This all happened in July of 2008. By Christmas I thought we were on the mend. I had installed net nanny on the computer and we had set limits as to what I was and was not comfortable with. For instance, there was a female friend of his that he had met before we married. Their talks often turned sexual. That had kissed before. I told him that I didn't want him to have any contact with her whatsoever anymore because I did not feel he could restrain their conversations to appropriate topics. He agreed and removed her from his facebook account and (I thought) removed her phone number from his phone. On Christmas Eve I notice he got an email from this girl. She thanked him for his phone call and promised to call him back soon.

Another lie. On Christmas Eve. He swore up and down that he was only calling to wish her a Merry Christmas. Frankly, I don't care why he was calling her. I don't care if he was calling to warn her of an impending burglary. He was asked not to. Said he wouldn't. And lied. I was devastated all over again.

That Christmas was probably the worst Christmas I've ever experienced. And it shouldn't have been. It was my baby girl's very first Christmas but the only thing I remember with clarity is the betrayal.

Make no mistake. I am no saint. I threatened bulimia, I cried constantly, I made no secret that I thought he was a liar and a cad. I questioned him daily. Questions I had asked a hundred times before were asked a hundred more times in an effort to catch him in a lie.

And slowly but surely we learned to be civil to each other. Although I never trusted him again. And still don't.

And yet, there is more to our story still...