Jaded

Over the course of the past few months, since the introduction of The Porn Widow, I have noticed a trend. I am writing posts geared to make my readers jaded towards Amos. Of course I am. The Porn Widow is my crying place. It's my shoulder, my crutch, my vent. When I make posts, it's normally because I'm angry or hurt or a combination of both. This post is geared to tell you all the things I've never told you about Amos. About my Amos.

The physical... He's 5'10 with broad shoulder, a slim waist, dark curly hair, blue eyes with long thick lashes, straight white teeth, and a gotee. His hands are soft, which I think he may be embarrassed about, but I love it. Except in the summer. He loves yard work so in the summer his hands are rough and calloused from overuse... which I also love.

The emotional... He's over confident.... cocky. He's hilarious.  He's extremely intelligent. He hates crowds. Bugs creep him out.  He's very attached to his dog. I think it might bother him more for our dog to die then for a relative to die. He is head over heels in love with his kids. He hates Apple products. Passionately. He hates sports. Passionately.  He's whiny when he's sick. He'll do anything for a head rub.

The facts... He is musically gifted. He plays the drums exceptionally well, plays the guitar well, and sings to boot. He suffers from vasovagal syncope.  This terrifies me because it always looks like a seizure when it happens.  He's dedicated to having no debt... and so we don't. We have two cars that are both paid in full. We have about $300 on a credit card left over from a medical procedure that we're paying. Other than that we owe only on the house. I have him to thank for that.  He enjoys the odd and obscure. When I married him he had a very large and mean looking pirhana. He knows the dumbest facts. He could probably tell you who invented the paper clip or the bulletin board.  He's been on tour with two different (very popular) Christian bands. He desires the approval of his father. He's an IT guy. He has his own blog which he calls a journal and has had it for years... long before we ever married. He loves the Beatles. He enjoys road trips. My daughter knew how to read her ABC's and say them by the time she was 18 months... this is primarily because Amos spent so much time with her.  He's a garbage disposal. He'll eat anything you put in front of him. He loves nature documentaries. He is possibly both the least judgemental and most judgemental person I know.

The embarrassing... He giggles. Like a schoolgirl. He watches cartoons. I've seen him cry at movies. He's abnormally ticklish. If you look like you might be thinking of tickling him, he squirms away giggling.

The husband... He kisses me every day when he wakes up before he leaves. Even when we're mad. He's told me I'm beautiful hundreds of times. Almost daily. He paints my toes for me. He is extremely supportive of me. If I told him that I've decided to fly to the moon in a hot air balloon, he'd start researching ways to get me there. We were both virgins until our wedding night. When we sleep at night he cuddles around me until he has me completely surrounded my his arms and he stays there. We only use about two feet worth of bed space. He once wrote me a song and performed it for me  as a surprise at a coffee house in front of a room full of people. My ears turn him on. I don't know why.  He's on kid duty on Friday and Saturday nights and lets me sleep as late as I want. Usually until 10 or 11.   He does 100% of the laundry. He'd go without so that I could have something that I wanted. He set up a fund so that I could fly home and visit my family whenever I felt like it. Even if he couldn't go with me.  He thinks I'm the best photographer around.

And now you know.

AGAIN with the EFFING Valentines Day Crap!

Folks... What you are about to read is a real live word-for-word conversation I had with Amos via instant messenger. I copied this conversation and am pasting it here. The only changes have been spelling errors on both our parts and obvious grammatical errors.

Psych Majors... Enjoy.


 HIM: I love you every day...including Monday.  I hope you know that. And I hope you know it every day...

ME:  Including Monday?   Did we fight monday? I know you love me 

HIM: This coming monday is the 14th

ME: Ah. Yes I know you love me. And I know Valentine's is against your religion.

HIM: I am going to love you equally that day as I do every day, which is the maximum. I want zero negative feelings. Only positive..like every other day in the year. Are we down with that? or...am I just going to get in trouble for something else or...I'm trying to get a barometer on your feelings. I am not just..telling you how it is. I'm trying to communicate and confer and make everything comfortable

ME: You know how I feel about valentines and I know how you feel about it. It's not new. While I doubt I will be overly happy on Valentines Day, I'm not going to yell at you if thats what you mean.

HIM: Its not about...yelling AT me..its about how you feel inside

ME: You know how I feel though so when you ask "are we down with that" what am I supposed to say?
" Yeah I'm totally cool w/ everything"? For the last 6 years I've tried to enjoy valentines day WITH you and it just hasn't worked so wether you want to admit it or not you're kinda forcing my hand.  I'm not being ugly about it. I'm just saying what it is and Monday will happen and there will be romantic stories all over the place. I'll just turn off the internet and in 24 hours it will be Tuesday and then it will be over.

HIM: It will be a positive great day..just like Tuesday and Sunday and every other day. Thats how I see it.

ME: K. Here's the thing about girls.... They go through their whole adolescent and adult life looking for "the one" and until they find him then Valentines is sooooo depressing. They look forward to the day when they can openly share the day in the year set aside for romance with that special guy who will celebrate with them and you can each spend some time to make the other feel special.  There is ZERO of that with us. This isn't new It's not new feelings . I didn't bring valentines up because I know how you feel about it.  And if you're just going to bring it up to tell me , yet again, how you feel about it... what's the point in bringing it up?   Just to remind me that Monday is gonna be weird?

HIM: My hope was to make it not weird by discussing it ahead of time. If I said nothing...it feels like there would be expectations. And...the point is...that I love you every day and try to make every day special. Every day is valentines day. Every day is maximum. You are special to me every day. Why only have special one day?

ME: Okay. Don't worry. I had and have no expectations.

HIM:  Thats good right?

ME: It's a cop out. The thought is nice but it's a cop out. We don't need to have this conversation. It's not going to make you happy. 

HIM: I'm happy. I refuse to be anything but happy. I want you to be happy too.

ME:  Okay.  I really wish you hadn't brought that up. Now it's all I'm thinking about and I'm hurt and mad.

HIM: I'm sorry. Not my intention. 

ME: Why would you do that other than to just ensure that there were no expectations and to squash that thought right off the bat?

HIM: I wanted you to be happy and feel loved.

ME: By telling me you refuse to celebrate a holiday that I enjoy?!?! Yeah I'm feeling the love. 

HIM: I wanted to say something ahead of time rather than say nothing...and then have this crushing thing happen on Monday.

ME: WHY would I expect ANYTHING on Monday other than the same exact big fat nothing that's happened every other year? All you did was rub me raw and hurt me . You say you care about my feelings on the subject but you care about them only as far as they don't interfere with your own.
 
HIM:  I disagree with that. 

ME: It's certainly what your actions are saying.

HIM: What actions have spoken to you to tell you that I only care about your feelings only as long as they don't interfere with my own?

ME: Valentines day for the past six years.  I suppose it's the lack of actions that confirms it.

HIM: Every choice I make revolves around you. And I'm happy that it does. I love you.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

ME: So you express it by making sure I have no special expectations on Monday?  Let me make this clear....  I have ZERO expectations. I have never had any expections. You have made it perfectly clear to me that Valentines Day is a coorporate rip off and those who celebrate are poor blind sheep being led to the slaughter. And you specialness has given you that unique perspective that no one else has been blessed with. I get it. Please stop rubbing it in. It's hurtful .

HIM: To say special implies there's a day when its not special. Everyday is special.

ME:  Ever day is special is bull crap.  Its a cop out. Don't use it again unless you intend to make it so.

HIM: It is so

ME: Let's please shut the matter and never talk aboiut it again

HIM: You brought it up on your blog. January 20th. That's what makes me think something is up in terms of expectations.

ME: I made it very clear, I thought, that we didn't celebrate Valentines because you hate it. That entire post was dedicated to the fact that we WON'T be celebrating it.

HIM: But that's not the reason. It's not about me hating it or not.

ME: What's it about?

HIM: We don't celebrate it for the same reason we don't celebrate Hanukah. No reason to emphasize something that is at maximum emphasis every day of the year. That is the point.

ME: Really?  Let's think about this.  I have been suffering from lack of romantic attention for a long time. But this is a PERFECT excuse to make me feel special...  a great day set aside to celebrate romance. But instead of honoring my feelings on it (thereby making me feel loved) you choose to boycott because it is already at it's "maximum emphasis."  Your logic is skewed and flawed.

HIM: Disagree we have luniversaries ( side note, a lunarversary is our once monthy date night. ) and anniversaries that are continuous throughout the year.  We have us all the time. The logic is solid. I'm not saying I have been the romantic expert at all times or anything , obviously I haven't... trying to work on that. But...even through the weak times...its been at maximum. 

ME: Well since we're talking about MY feelings on the subject I think I can confidantly say that my love bank is NOT filled. But apparently that doesn't matter.  I dont want to talk about this anymore.  How many times do I have to say to let it drop? Youre just hurting me more and I'm begining to think that maybe you're just trying to pick a fight.

HIM: Trying to avoid any confrontation by dealing with it directly ahead of time.

ME:  There wouldn't have been any if you had just let it lie.  We don't celebrate V Day because you hate it.  I get it. You can paint it however you want to. But that's the way it is. 

HIM: Which is , of course,  not why we don't celebrate it.

ME: Let's please drop it. 

HIM: Ok..dropped


EDIT:

Let me also add that for the past two days (and other various times) he's checked his email in the mornings (a no-no since his prime porn time is in the morning while checking email). AND the other night he got onto the DEX website to request that they not send us telephone books anymore.  He was trying to do so via live chat and ended up talking to this girl about random crap which ended up with her wanting his FACEBOOK ID SO THEY CAN BE FRIENDS (which he denied, thank GOD). I WASN'T home at the time so we, YET AGAIN, broke the "no internet alone time" rule. He cares NILCH about my feelings. The next time he tries to hand me a line of crap like "Every day is special" and "I want you to feel loved" I swear I'm going to throw something. I'm not an effing IDIOT.

Amos cares about what makes AMOS happy. Screw Esther. Maybe we'll get lucky and Esther won't find out.

I'm going to go cry now.

What to say?

I am at a loss. I don't know what to say. We are dancing a dangerous dance, Amos and I. Nerves are raw and wounds are fresh. I am suspecious. I believe he is lieing to me.

Last night I awoke to the movement of the bed shaking in a rythmic motion. I felt his arm moving. I could hear his breathing. He was masturbating. I said his name sharply and he stopped, but said nothing.

"Amos, what are you doing?"
"I don't know. I was asleep."
"You were asleep?"
"Yes."

I watched him get up and out of bed and I could see that I was right. He was definatly "ready."  Please don't think I'm being crude. It's not my intent. I only wish to convey the situation as I expirienced it. He came back to bed and put his arms around me. This morning he sticks to his guns. He says he must have been having an exciting dream but he doesn't remember the dream and he doesn't remember masturbating. I don't believe him. I think he masturbates and lies to be about it, but short of following him around and smacking him when he reaches for his zipper there's nothing I can do about it.

 I caught him in the act once. About six months ago.  Have I told you? It went something like this.

We lay in bed and I was drifting off to sleep and I felt the bed move. Just as I did last night. I lay still for a few seconds thinking that there's no way he would have the gall to do it right next to me. No way. Eventually he became still. I rolled over to reach for him and he jerked away from me. When I asked where he was going he mumbled something about being tired. I asked him then "Amos, are you sure you havent mastubated at all? You havent lied to me?" He assured me that he hadn't lied. Then I asked him again "Are you sure you werent masturbating just a second ago?" Then he confessed but only after he was sure he couldn't weasel his way out of  it. The actions of a coward.  With this little jewel fresh in my mind it's no wonder that I don't believe that he was sleep-masturbating last night. Would you?

There's a constant doubt lingering in my head. A fog that I can't escape. It taints everything and makes me bitter and raw. I see devious motives and plans where there certainly aren't any. I have trouble discerning the difference between what really is a lie and what is probably not a lie. Am I a fool?

Men need sex. Or so I'm told. I'm told that it is a physical need for them, just as water is a need. In that spirit I told Amos that we would make an effort to have sex more often.  That on Tuesdays, Thursdays, Saturdays, and Sundays we would make a concious effort to come together at night. My hope in this is that perhaps this would also inspire romance. It hasn't. He did leave me a note yesterday saying "Thanks for making the pie. I love you!" While it's nice to be thanked and the note is a sweet gesture, it's not romantic. I'm starved. How long must I give before I get? Is it selfish to want it? To cry over it? To dream of it?

What to say?

D-Day Approaches...

By D-Day I , of course, mean Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is always an awkward time at my house. It didn't used to be. Growing up, my Daddy would always give me a big box of heart shaped candies, balloons, and flowers or a stuffed animal. He would have them delivered to school or he would bring them home from work. He did the same for Mama. For my part, I would always make little cards and notes and give them to my parents and it would be a really great day.

But Amos... what to say about Amos? He did do something for me for Valentine's Day once.  The first year we were married I was sitting on the couch with his head in my lap. It was a few days before Valentine's Day. He looked up at me and told me he had got me something for Valentine's Day but he was going to give it to me early. So he gave it to me. I could give you twenty years to guess what it was and you'd still never get it. It was.... a pink blackhead remover. Yep. I kid you not.  He got me a blackhead remover so that I could remove his blackheads.

I enjoy Valentine's Day. Or I used to. For a long time I got him little treats. Sometimes I would leave his favorite candies in his car. Or I'd get him some boxers or pj's or clothes or pizza gift cards. I would give him love notes. Finally it just got too awkward. I enjoy giving him things. I like to spoil him a little. But every time I gave him something he would say thank you and then lecture me on the lameness of Valentine's Day. Amos subscribes to the theory that Valentine's Day was created by Hallmark to rob people of their money.  I subscribe to this theory: Who cares? It's a fun excuse to celebrate. To get dressed up and have a date or a night of romance. I've been over ruled. Continuously. Finally last year I gave up. I did nothing for him. No love notes or hidden treats. We went to get take out (Amos doesn't like sitting in restaurants on Valentine's Day because he says it's too crowded). That was it.

 Last night Amos and I were talking and I asked him what he wanted to do for Valentine's this year. His response: "Nothing." So I said "Where do you want to go eat?" His response: " We eat every night."  And that was that. I give up. Maybe I am lame for liking Valentine's Day, but I don't care. I'm starved for it. I don't like looking  around and seeing all the tenderness and sweetness but not being allowed to participate. I'm okay with being lame.

So, since I won't be celebrating (again) I thought I'd share some fun ideas with you for Valentine's Day.

Creative:

Romance By You - If any of you are Twilight fans, you have the chance to make a new story and your boy toy can be your leading man.

Love Coupons  - There's no need to buy this. I would encourage you to make your own. I actually made one of these for Amos one year (last year). I spent hours on it, but in the course of normal conversation he gave me the "Valentine's Day is lame" talk again and I just threw it away. But it was fun to make.

Fortune Cookies  - There are other great ideas on this page as well.

A Treasure Hunt - Make little love notes with candies or an inexpensive or handmade gift and hide them throughout the house. You're "treasure" can be whatever you want. Maybe the "treasure" is a candle lit bedroom and some new lingerie. Maybe it's a gift card to his favorite restaurant. Or sports tickets. It could be anything.

Nice:

A play - Get gussied up and go out to a nice restaurant and a play at your local theater.

Indoor date night - I personally love the hustle and bustle of a crowd. On Valentine's Day I actually enjoy looking at all the couples and watching them get all gooey eyed. But I know that for some, they'd prefer the quiet solitude of enjoying their significant other alone. So...grab some movies that you BOTH want to see, throw some blankets on the floor with some pillows and popcorn and have a movie night. You can prelude the movie with a special dinner that you both prepare.

Chocolate and Flowers - Men, do not under estimate the power of the flower. Take it from a woman who has never received flowers from her husband. Grab a $10 bouquet. Buy a $5 vase, $1 bag of decorative rocks, and a $1 spool of fancy ribbon. Put a handful of rocks in the bottom of the vase and tie your ribbon around the vase. Then trim your flowers and place them in your vase. Throw in a heart felt love note and you're gold. You just spent $17 bucks and made your wife feel very special and loved. Remember, the romance comes from the EFFORT not the cost.

Naughty:

His and Hers Lingerie - You knew that one would make the list somewhere.... so there it is.

Game Night - I'm not talking Monopoly here people. Strip poker. Or this . Or this.

Bubble Bath - Crawl into a hot bathtub full of bubbles and oils and enjoy each other. Take turns cleaning each other. To add to the romance, put on soft music and light the room with candles.


There are a million ideas on the Internet. I encourage you to make your man or woman feel special that day. Everyone deserves to feel special. Enjoy.

Care to Have Sex With a Widow?

Did you know that "widow porn" was...like... a thing?  You would not believe how many hits I get from people who do Google searches looking for "porn with widow"  or "porn sex with widow" or "porn and widow". That means that people mistakenly end up on my blog while they're out searching for a way to get their rocks off.  I wonder what they're thinking? I wonder if I have any readers who enjoy porn? I wonder if I have any readers who are addicted to it?  Who are hiding it from their significant others? Who are ashamed of it? Who are proud of it?

I wonder...

Do you look at porn?

Here's an honest question to the masses... What is going through your mind when you make that decision to look at porn? Do you look at it with your spouse/significant other? Do you hide it form them? Have you been caught? I want to know what goes on in the mind of those who do it. Or even those who have EVER done it.

Feel free to answer anonymously and please please please be respectful to your fellow commenter.

I'm Baa-aack

My goal was to try and get back into the swing of things this past weekend but honestly I was just having too much fun. Amos was home and my need for adult human contact was reaching an all time high, I jumped on it. We didn't do anything wild and crazy (still healing from surgery, remember?) but it was so good to just be with him. We were swimming in baby puke and toddler diarrhea but I was happy. After the kiddos went to bed on Sunday, Amos and I popped in Super Mario Brothers 3. Yes that's right. On old school Nintendo. There was alot of teasing and laughing and smiles. It was good stuff.

Until about 4 AM.

About 4 AM is when I started to get the bug. My sweet babies decided to share their virus with both myself and Amos. Those little monsters are lucky they're so cute.

Should we talk about the thing you are really wondering about? Shall we talk about sex? About porn? About masturbation? About romance?

Let's do that. There has been no sex. Abdominal surgery has seen to that. I worry about masturbation. He says there's been none. I ask him and he assures me he's clean. Honestly, I don't believe him. I want to. I try to. I don't. Trust hasn't been reestablished. Maybe he hasn't. I hope he hasn't. Mostly, I hope he isn't lieing.

The program I use monitor our computer is called x3watch . It's the program that caught the porn sites in August. Amos is aware of the program. Last week I found the x3watch program pulled up. I asked Amos about it. He said he didn't do it. I found it open and I KNOW I didn't do it. There's no one else in the house. That means Amos did it.  I closed the program and moved on.

I would like to interject here that when you're in a situation like mine, when you are trying desperately to reestablish trust, your mind does some interesting things. You start to wonder... did I pull the program up and forget about it? Did I click on it accidentally and didn't realize it? Does it have some weird automatic setting that causes it to pop up automatically? My brain wants to rationalize it. If this isn't proof that I want to trust him I don't know what it. I'm basically begging to be able to call myself an idiot in order clear his name. Weird huh?

Back to the story. Amos has listed himself as an accountability partner on the x3watch program. This means that he, along with myself, will receive the accountability reports via email. I am 100% okay with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with him receiving a copy of the same email I have. But now I have the x3watch program screen pulled up for no apparent reason? And apparently no one did it? What's a girl to conclude other than he's tampering with it? I think he sees it as a challenge. He's an IT guy after all. Computers are his forte. Years ago, I put Net Nanny on our computer. It took him about two days to learn how to disable and get around it without my knowledge or notification. Recently (a month or two ago) during a conversation Amos and I were having about our current accountability program, he confessed this to me. In this confession, he told me not to rely on x3watch. He told me he could get around it if he wanted to. It was a rare moment of raw unprompted honesty. And I wonder now, is this what is happening?

All in all, we've had no arguments. Only this cloud of doubt hanging around tainting things. We received "The Love Dare" book for Christmas and we will be participating in that when things calm down. Our next counseling appointment is the 17th. Monday. Honestly, I'm not excited about it. I'm not sure what I expected, but this wasn't it. I feel like we're spending 90 bucks for the ability to feed her 50 minutes worth of back story. There has been no "Let's try doing this when you get home..." Nothing that we can work on at home all. Obviously some changes need to be made but nothing has been pointed out as an area we can work on.  I'm not sure how long I'll be keeping that up without some forward momentum.

I must say this though.... Amos has picked up a tremendous amount of slack since my surgery. I've been useless and he's working hard to keep me comfortable. I couldn't ask for anything more from him, and I'd be willing to bet that there aren't alot of men out there who would do so much for their ladies. For that, I'm humbled and thankful.

Let's talk about weight. I weigh 217 lbs. Big girl eh? It's not so bad when you take into consideration that in September I weighed 286 lbs (right after I had my son) and in November (when I really decided to push to lose the weight) I weighed 250. This means that in less than four months I've lost 69 lbs. It's hard to feel bad about that. But I still do. I get excited when I look in the mirror. I see that my face is smaller. Then I'll run an tell Amos all about my smaller face. When I look at my hands, they're smaller too. And my belly, and legs, and arms... But... when I look at myself all put together... I still look the same to me. I still see every stretch mark, every roll, every dimple. I can see the loss when I only look at one individual piece, but the whole picture still depresses me. I'm not stopping. I still have a long way to go, and I'll do it. I'll do it.

I'm alive...

Barely. Nah. That's not right. I'm just whining. I'm on pain killers that work for an hour and a half and knock me out for three hours at a time so the past few days have been a blur. Thanks for the well wishes and prayers. I've been blessed in that regard. I have a very supporting social network, both in person and in the big wide world of the Net.  Thank you.

The procedure its self wasn't bad. I did not puke in case you're wondering. I was wheeled back into an operating room that had to be something like 20 degrees. My surgeon, anesthesiologist, and a gaggle of nurses all stood ready. I was moved from the cold and hard pre-op table to the colder and harder operation table. The nurse placed a mask over my face (I was told it was oxygen) and I heard someone say "You should start feeling tired soon." Next thing I know I'm in the recovery room and fully lucid. There was no woozy period of waking up. At least not for me. When I opened my eyes I knew exactly where I was and what had happened. What I didn't realize is that there was a large plastic tube down my throat and I began trying to talk around it. The nurse in recovery pulled it from my mouth and I told her to go get Amos. Eventually she did and after the required period of waiting, I went home. It hurts. I won't lie. I greatly underestimated the pain. I thought it would be the incision site only that hurt. But that is wrong. So wrong. It hurts from the area under my breasts down to my hips and around through my back. I consider myself pretty tough when it comes to pain management and I must admit... this is getting old. There's a fun new crackling noise that I make while I breathe now. I only notice it when I'm laying down and there's no pain associated with it but I'll be glad when that's gone nonetheless.

In my rare lucid periods I keep myself entertained with my roku and my nookcolor.  I'm currently plowing my way through Jane Eyre. A book that wouldn't be considered light reading (in my opinion) even on my best days. I've got the general gist though. Amos is a gem among men. I haven't had to lift a finger. He will be running the kids to his parents house on the days he has to work and in the evenings he's right there when I need him. When  I say I want food, he's on top of it. When I want something just out of reach, he comes running from across the house. He's working double time. I think he might be a smudge envious of the "time off" I get to take.

My medicine is starting to take effect. I could write more, but I've already caught myself writing out our "real" names instead of using our pseudo identities. If I value our anonymity, I should stop.

I haven't been able to keep up with your blogs. I'm anxious to get back to them. I am especially anxious because I know that one of my readers is expecting a new addition soon and I'm itching to find out more. I'll be peeking in as I can.

Until next time.